The Kitty City Gazette

Godzilla Admits He Was A Victim Of Bullying As A Young Reptile

2011-03-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Edmonds, WA

In an exclusive interview today Godzilla told the Kitty City Gazette he was bullied as a young reptile.

Long before he crushed cars, buildings and countless Japanese people to death, Godzilla, a 56-year-old Giant Daikaiju Monster, said he was “viciously teased” by classmates who mocked his shyness, short arms and the strange way he walked.

Godzilla, who has admitted to eating children in the past, said he threw his very first punch at the age of just 16 when a Pug dog took one of his beloved Barbie dolls and threw it in his face and that the bullying spread from there until he became a neighborhood target.

Pugs, so often the victims of acts of bullying and embarrassment themselves, are well-known for their acts of bullying others

Godzilla said one afternoon a bunch of school-age cats ridiculed him for looking like a cross between a giant gorilla and a fat whale. “I just lost it and started eating train cars,” he said, “and from that moment on violence became my answer to violence.”

Godzilla’s mother Linda, who is a telemarketer by trade, said the attacks and bullying gradually became so bad she feared for his safety every time he left their cave. "I worried about what it was doing to his head,“ she said, “he was so much bigger than the other kids, what if he got mad and lashed out?"

Linda stated she hopes now her son’s attempt to come to terms with his past will help young people and monsters today who may be victims themselves.

“I just lost it and started eating train cars,” Godzilla said

“(The bullying) made me so angry,“ said Godzilla. “And for years I took it out on others, often violently.”

Godzilla said the kids would trip him, pin him down and pour dog food in his mouth and kick him between the legs calling him names like “gimp” and “retard.”

Experts agree the experience of being bullied can end up causing lasting psychological damage to victims. This is self-evident in Godzilla’s case where his anger and frustration culminated in the mass destruction of cars, buildings, cities and a sports arena in his search for catharsis.

Experts agree bullying often leads to more bullying behavior

These days Godzilla lives with his mother and said he has no more problems with his self-esteem. He said he feels he is “finally mentally strong and centered” and boasted he is able to survive in deep water for indefinite periods of time and is adept at ping-pong and yoga.

He and his mother hope to travel the rest of the Pacific Northwest and discuss reasons why bullying only leads to further and sometimes much more violent bullying.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Creeping Ivy Acquitted Of Double Tree Murder

2011-03-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

Edmonds, WA

A clump of ground-creeping ivy accused of murdering 2 trees was acquitted today in Snohomish County Court on grounds of insanity.

In early 2008 the ivy, a 15-year-old clump of English Ivy named Harry, was dug up and charged with strangling to death 79-year-old Harold and 89-year-old James, both Douglas Firs, at a park in Edmonds.

The court heard testimonies from over 20 stray cats, prosecution witnesses who live in and around the park and were present on the day of the murders.

“James was my favorite tree (to pee on),” said witness Gatsby

Prosecutors described for the jury the tendency of ivy to be aggressive and destructive to trees and walls, pointing out Harry had been “opportunistic and aggressive with malice aforethought” in his attack on his victims and asked for a verdict of guilty of murder in the second degree murder and a life sentence.

Botanists for the defense pointed out there is no direct evidence ivy is specifically dangerous when growing on trees of any kind, but admitted the situation can become dangerous if there is competition for resources.

Witness Gatsby, a 2-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair stated the trees and ivy had been fighting over territorial rights for years and that this incident “had been a long time coming.”

Witness Gareth, who is a Concolor Fir, once lived at the park where the murders occurred

Psychiatrists for the defense claimed the crime was an “accident” which occurred because Harry’s innate behavior created a parasitic need for soil nutrients and water.

With his ability to reason flawed, they argued, he was not of sound mind when the deaths occurred. Harry thus lacked the mental capacity at that moment to realize what he was doing was morally wrong.

Doctors recommended hospitalization and a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity. They argued the defendant should be contained in a small, secure area to prevent the compulsion to re-offend.

Judge Raven of Edmonds said he was relieved the case was fainally over

After a grueling 72-hour session the jury returned a unanimous verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity.

Harry was later removed from the Snohomish County Jail and sent to Wight’s Nursery for hospitalization, pruning, and psychiatric treatment.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Supplements May Help Snowmen Fight Deadly Bone Disease, Say Scientists

2011-02-28T15:24:00.001-08:00

Washington, DC

According to a new report from the CDC, supplements of calcium and vitamin D can significantly reduce bone loss and the risk of fractures in older people, including snowmen.

The detailed report of a 3-year study confirms what doctors have been seeing each Spring for years, a dramatic increase in the number of snowmen and snowomen developing the debilitating bone disease osteoporsnowsis.

“Osteoporsnowsis is a gradual thinning of snow coat and density over time,” explained Hedwig, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair who chaired the project. “It is the most common type of bone/snow disease found in middle-latitude dwelling North American and Western European Snowmen.”

“Osteoporsnowsis is a gradual thinning of snow coat and density over time,” explained Hedwig

Primary type 1 osteoporsnowsis begins to occur when the snowman fails to form a new base snow pack, when a dog pees onto the lower snowball area, or both. Onset generally occurs in late Winter, usually ending in death.

Primary type 2 osteoporsnowsis occurs after a sudden unexpected thaw occurs and is seen in both snowmen and snowomen at a ratio of 2:1. This usually results in the immediate loss of hats, button noses, limbs, corn cob pipes and sometimes heads.

Scientists say supplements tested may be effective in maintaining the entire snowman over the long term. Researchers found results beneficial to bone density at the twig, mid-snowball, and mid-to-lower lumbar snowball areas in the first year with further improved bone density of the same areas during the second and third years of the study.

A stooped back is often a tell-tale sign of osteoporsnowsis

The initial effects of supplementation at the cervical and thoracic snowball areas during the first year held steady, but did not change appreciably, over the next two years.

“I wanted Gary to start taking (the supplements) right away,” said Beverly, a 2-month-old North American Snowoman who lives in Wisconsin. “But his mouth had fallen off and when they tried to give them through an IV he was so far gone they couldn’t find a good vein in his twig.”

Snowmen have long been the target of gallows humor regarding osteoporsnowsis from local cats. They are often teased and mocked for their disabilities and taken advantage of in financial situations. This study brings hope of possible intervention by doctors.

Local cats who took advantage of the fact Fred had no arms played this nasty joke at his expense

“I wanted to move,” said Fred, a North American Snowman from North Dakota. “I’d been fired from my job of standing outside a home just after Christmas but there just aren’t any good job openings for snowmen these days, even far north.”

Problems faced by control group snowmen during the treatment included those of whom lived at lower latitudes and were doomed to melt regardless and those snowmen originally constructed missing coal mouths through which to take the supplements.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
First photo copyright Chris Coulson, who is awesome!

Donut Who Suffered Heart Attack Blames Own Ingredients

2011-01-08T12:36:00.001-08:00

Edmonds, WA

A 2-day-old raspberry-filled, powdered sugar coated donut named Ken stated in court Friday that his heart attack was the fault of the bakery who made him.

A lawyer representing the donut claimed the Safeway bakery where he lived knowingly used trans-fat-laden oils in such an amount to cause the young donut’s heart attack.

Ken told a jury of 11 cats and one Pug he was taken home two days ago in a box along with 12 other donuts and was sleeping peacefully in a pink bakery box when his symptoms began.

Ralphie said he had “fully intended” to eat Ken until he noticed he was ill

"The next morning I got up and felt this really painful burning sensation in my middle and within 20 minutes I was losing my filling,” said Ken.

The cat who bought the donuts, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Ralphie, stated he thought at first the donut was “feigning his symptoms” to avoid being eaten.

Once he saw the donut was suffering he immediately put him in a napkin and rushed him to Swedish Hospital in Edmonds.

Safeway refused to comment for this story

EKGs done at Swedish Medical Center showed a serious, near-fatal heart attack. ER records indicate the donut had lost most of his powdered sugar coating and was lucky to be alive.

Doctors advised the donut the heart attack was most likely caused by trans-fats found in his system. They said the percentage was more than one third of the RDA allowance.

Doctors performed a double-raspberry-bypass on the donut and he was sent home.

Doctors performed a double bypass on the donut in the ER

Safeway bakeries later countered in their opening statement that its extensive studies of the level of trans-fats in individual donuts showed no evidence it caused heart attacks with short-term use.

Safeway maintained that inactivity, such as laying around “doing nothing” in glass cases or in bakery boxes, not trans-fats, led to the heart attack.

Jurors are expected to return a verdict next week.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Placed On National Organ Transplant Waiting List Receives Baby Grand

2010-12-12T10:15:00.001-08:00

Edmonds, WA

A local cat is alive and in good spirits today after hoping for and receiving an organ transplant that changed her life forever.

Shortly after her birthday last month, Tyber, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair came down with what she thought was the flu. Tyber had never thought much about organ donation.

That changed instantly on the afternoon she became ill and passed out in her home. When she awoke in the hospital, doctors told her she had been put on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List, her organ had failed.

This Hammond organ died while Tyber was playing Bach

The organ, a Hammond T-200, was bought used from a social club in the early 1980s. Tyber said she’d always wanted to buy a new one, but had recently lost her job as a donut maker and could not afford one.

“I hardly ever played, but that morning I did give it a try,” Tyber said. “I felt like if I played some Bach or something, I would feel better. But the amp blew out, one pedal fell completely off, and then it just died on me. I fell off onto the floor in disbelief and woke up in the hospital."

She told the Gazette she had been taking piano and organ lessons since she was a kitten, paid for by her mother, and immediately felt the loss. “I was very depressed,” she said. “I wasn’t sure how to go on without it. Music has been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember.”

Tyber is now relaxed and relieved that she has received her organ transplant

Tyber said she signed up immediately for an organ transplant. “Piano, organ, it didn’t matter to me at that point, I'd have taken anything I could get,” she stated.

Nearly 150,000 cats are on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List waiting for a viable organ.

On an average day, about 77 cats receive organ, piano, and sometimes even synthesizer transplants from other cats who either quit taking lessons and want to be rid of the organ, are moving and cannot take the instrument, or are getting a divorce.

But thousands more never get that call from the transplant center saying a suitable donor organ or piano has been found, and the old model is just left to die, alone, in the living room.

After only 2 days on the recipient list, Tyber received this Baby Grand, which became available due to a nasty divorce

"I had been on the donor's list all of two days. The doctor gave me 12 hours to live. By the grace of God, they found me a baby grand! It isn‘t an organ, but it‘s close enough."

If you or someone you know has an organ, piano, synthesizer, or even a drum machine that they are not utilizing, please consider the many benefits of organ donation. You, too, could save someone’s life.

"It was a miracle, to be honest with you," Tyber happily said while playing her donated Yamaha GB1K Baby Grand Piano at her home in Edmonds. “Music is my life,” she said.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Piano Cat Photo: Thanks to Old Cats Rule
Piano Photos: Courtesy www.yamaha.co.uk

Local Cat Says He Lived In Fear After Farting In Crowded Elevator

2010-12-08T10:17:00.001-08:00

Seattle, WA

A local cat and father of three admitted today that he has been living in fear ever since he farted in a crowded elevator.

Willie, a 1-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, had recently eaten a shredded pork and bean burrito at Taco Del Mar when he entered the crowded elevator to return to work.

“All of I sudden, I knew I was (going to fart)," Willie said. "I was scared. There were many cats in the elevator, it was packed,” Willie remembers. “It was hot and it seemed like the buttons for every floor had been pushed.

Willie said he did the best he could to keep the fart from escaping. He said he clenched his teeth, stared at one spot on the wall, and pressed all four feet solidly below him in an effort to keep it from squeezing out.

This air-tight elevator was the site of the incident

"Before I knew it, I farted," he said. "At first it was a ghost-like whisper, I had some hopes at first that it would stay silent. But then it transformed into a roaring motorcycle-like clickety-clack. Then it was all over."

"Everyone on the elevator froze," he continued. "It was like the Ice Queen from Narnia cast a spell on them, they were that still. No one acknowledged the fart."

Witnesses said cats on the elevator were still and silent, as if somehow through their stillness they could actually reverse time and make it (the fart) not have happened.

"There was a definite loud, ripe peal," said witness Kellie, a 12-year-old, spayed, Siamese Mix, who is a legal secretary and was also in the elevator when the fart occurred.

Witness Kellie said she heard a “ripe peal”

"It was truly terrifying, not knowing if people knew that it was me (who farted) or not," Willie stated. He said he was so hard hit by the fart incident that he became depressed and considered switching careers to protect his family.

“Someone wrote ‘Willie is a farter’ on the men’s bathroom wall and I felt terrible,” he said. “It was like someone knew and they wanted to exploit me.”

Workers in the office are certain the notoriety from the incident will eventually dissipate, and business will go back to normal soon. No one is in any way certain that Willie actually was, in fact, the farter.

Willie said he just wanted to protect his family

“There were about nine other cats from my office on that elevator,“ witness Kellie said. “It could have been anyone, really."

“It was very hard. I tried to put myself in (the farter’s) position and thought how they might feel if they’d let the fart," Kellie continued. “There’s just nothing good about it.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Willie’s Cat Photos: Gracias Monica Contreras, Mexico City
Kellie Kat Photo: Thanks to Kellie Kat, Gearhart, OR

Local Cat Charged In Inflatable Snowman Murder

2010-12-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

Edmonds, WA

A cat accused of killing a giant inflatable snowman last month told police he stabbed the snowman because it would not stop smiling at him, according to newly filed court documents.

The victim, Jack, a 2-year-old, nylon and mesh Inflatable Snowman, was originally from Wal-Mart.

Lorenzo the Cat, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, who is a retired Tom Ford model, is being held on a $10 million bond after appearing today in court charged with one count of murder in the first degree.

Lorenzo the Cat once graced the covers of GQ, Men’s Health, and other publications

Lorenzo was arrested at his home on December 8th, 2009, accused of beating Jack to death with a plastic Bob’s Big Boy bank. The Big Boy, 5, also lost his life.

The incident took place in front of Lorenzo's 2-year-old kitten. It stunned friends and family, and was gruesomely detailed in a recorded conversation with a 911 dispatcher.

“Daddy is killing the snowman,” said the frantic kitten to a 911 dispatcher who alerted police and local refrigeration repair units. Police later said Lorenzo hit the snowman so hard it dislodged the cheeseburger from the Big Boy’s hands and sadly ended his life as well.

This young Big Boy bank also lost his life in the atrocity

The young witness told Edmonds police he was lying on the couch resting when he saw signs of struggle outside the living room window, according to documents.

Coroner reports state the snowman succumbed due to blunt force trauma to the head. Police said Lorenzo, in a mad fit of agony, had attacked him because he “…wouldn‘t wipe that stupid grin off his face.”

Sadly, it was Jack’s last day on the job. Hired for a holiday stint as a cheerful, yard decoration, he was planning a boating trip with his wife and three snowballs to Lake Tahoe upon his return home.

Jack and his family were avid boaters, according to friends

The incident leaves Jack’s wife Fiona, a 4-year-old, Real Ice and Water Snowman, without much hope to support her family. She was mugged by a cat wielding a hair dryer 2 years ago. She suffered melting injuries and lost a limb, leaving her unable to do many office jobs.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do for money now,” said Fiona. “Office people don’t like me near computers or electronics because I drip. Finding a job will be very hard.”

Lorenzo Photo under copyright: Courtesy of Lorenzo
Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Banana Creme Pie Shortage Looming, Scientists Warn

2010-12-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

Seattle, WA

Diners and bistros everywhere may be facing dire menu updates if researchers are correct that banana crème pie populations are in decline.

North American Banana Crème Pies are an indigenous species native to buffet restaurants, casinos and diners in suburban parts of the U.S.

Most crème pies claim origins circa the 1700’s and have sub-species including chocolate, vanilla, lime, coconut, and peanut butter.

Paul, who spearheaded the study, is a life-long fan of banana crème and is a creme pie conservationist

Banana crème pies grew wealthy in the late 70’s and had low rates of unemployment up until the health food fads of the 2000s, when emphasis on “carb-counting” naturally selected them for decline.

“This is natural selection at work,” said Paul, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair who spearheaded the study. “These days cats are opting for healthier desserts and the (crème pies) just can’t adapt.”

As a result, thousands of banana crème pies die helplessly every day in their shiny, glass cases as they are passed over for healthier dessert options.

Untold numbers of banana crème pies are left to die right in their own homes

Out of 18 banana crème pie populations in the Everett-Lynnwood area 14 have plummeted and have not bounced back.

No strangers to struggle, banana crème pies had to fight various attempts by brownies, éclairs and even crème puffs over the years to control their dominance in diner culture.

Checking for trends in the banana crème pie population can be very difficult because banana crème pies are notoriously hard to count. “Being sneaky is pie-like behavior,” Paul said.

Andy joined the scientists last year in their search for answers in the widespread decline in banana crème pie population

“Losing banana crème pies can upset they way ecosystems work,” explained Andy, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “Banana crème pies often ranked as top diner desserts, but now cats are passing on them for a number of reasons.”

No data were given on state-wide pie population, but Andy noted worrisome indicators coming from diners operating in Yakima and Wenatchee.

“Some (banana crème) pie populations seem to be doing well,” he continued. “But overall the trend is alarming. The pies are on in a straight-line decline.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Sudden Loss Of Microwave Leaves Local Cat Grief Stricken, Devastated

2010-11-26T15:08:00.000-08:00

Edmonds, WA

Evelyn, a 7-year-old, spayed Domestic Long Hair whose microwave broke at the end of summer, said she finds life without it “difficult and uncertain” and says she has been devastated by the loss.

Evelyn told the Gazette her microwave, a 10-year-old General Electric named Jeff made a funny smell one evening and “just quit” on her.

At first she blamed herself for the microwave’s misbehavior, but later said she could find no catalyst for the event. Without the microwave Evelyn said it takes a grueling 3-4 minutes or more to heat water for her cocoa.

You don‘t really ever know when something is going to be ready” Evelyn said

“After 10 years together he suddenly refused to do what I asked,” she said of the microwave she’d shared a home with since buying the house back in 2000. “At first I was mad at him, then I realized he was dead.”

Asked in an interview whether she missed being able to easily re-heat coffee, leftovers or make microwave popcorn at will over the past months, Evelyn was unequivocal.

”I do (miss it), and it’s been a difficult time,” she said. “It’s a hardship. If I want something to eat I actually have to cook.”

Friends said making nachos at Evelyn’s home now takes “far too long”

“You don’t realize how easy your life is when you have a microwave, you take them for granted,” Evelyn said. “Everything is ready to eat in 1 or 5 minutes, but cooking without those certainties is terrifying.”

Friends of the microwave said before he died he’d told them he had “had enough” of Evelyn’s controlling behavior. He told friends he felt stuck in their relationship and was “tired of her pushing his buttons” all the time.

In her grief, Evelyn said she finds the inability to calculate exactly how long it takes to heat water up “terrifying” even when it comes to something as simple as making condensed tomato soup from a can.

"I can't even imagine having to actually use a stove" said one concerned neighbor

“I’ve got a wonderful community of people who are praying for me every day,” she said. “They call and offer to heat me up a burrito, but it’s not the same as having your own microwave,” she said.

Evelyn said she was unaware of the depth of Jeff’s feelings but did say at one point when he began routinely burning her microwave popcorn she’d offered to go to marriage and family therapy but said he refused to leave his spot over the stove.

Evelyn said she had “not yet” decided upon a make and model regarding a new microwave, but she did say she would possibly start looking at ads on craigslist, where many of her single friends had luck meeting appliances before.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

New Study Finds Food Habit Forming

2010-11-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

Seattle, WA

A survey of about 500 Seattle-area cats revealed that of cats who eat food, almost a third worry about becoming addicted to it and wanting to eat it again. Those surveyed said they are now scared and dread becoming “just like everyone else.”

More than a third said that they'd heard that eating was a “good normal thing.” But nearly three-quarters reported that food made them happy, and more than half agreed with the statement, saying "I love it."

Twenty-five percent agreed that food seemed like a good thing to eat when hungry , and that when it came to addiction, the benefits outweighed the risks.

Foods like this are thought to be habit-forming

The survey was done in early December of last year by a graduate anthropology class in research methods taught by a group of University of Washington professors.

The research subjects were fed food, which was instrumental in stopping hunger and providing satiety. 70% of the cats surveyed said they would prefer eating food to small bits of plastic, dust bunnies, or pencil erasers.

"One of the most striking things we saw in the after-interviews was just how much cats liked food," said one of the assistants. "Once a cat ate food, it seemed there was an almost 90% chance they would want to eat again."

Twenty-five percent agreed that food seemed like a good thing to eat when hungry

Food, is believed to produce an initial pleasurable effect, followed by a “rebound” effect called hunger.

"We have not begun to understand the cognitive and social impact of food,” the survey said. “Those who become addicted to it will be looking for it three, maybe four times a day.”

Moggy, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who participated in the study said food appeared to be a clever way to "get energy and use it as a source of nourishment.”

“After the first time…I was hooked” said Moggy

Given the choice of eating nothing or eating food, 89% of cats surveyed chose food.

“Food is like methamphetamine for your stomach,” said another professor. “Once you eat it, you will always want more and the search for ever increasing amounts of food could lead to social withdrawal, apple fritter eating, and crime.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Moggy Pic: Thanks to Jack

Spike In Pumpkin Suicides Following Halloween Blamed On Depression

2010-11-10T16:04:00.001-08:00

Edmonds, WA

Yesterday a 3-month-old pumpkin named Betty, who had been deployed for the previous weeks as a Decorative Hand-Carved Halloween Pumpkin, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Lynnwood.

Early this morning a 4-month-old Pumpkin named Chuckles was found smashed dead in the street after an apparent jump from a two-story building. Hours later, another 4-month-old pumpkin was found dead by suicide.

These and another staggering 44 pumpkin suicides in the greater Edmonds area forced local cats to announce plans they were conducting an exhaustive investigation and review to identify remaining pumpkins who are or may be at risk for suicide at this time.

“The intense fear of being made into a pie can be a silent killer,” said Dr. Spankin

Statistics from the Bureau for Pumpkin, Squash and Gourd Health (BPSGH) show over 90 percent of pumpkins who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death, and the most common mental illness is depression.

Mental health practitioners cite evidence of abuses (both physical and mental) inflicted by Humans during the Halloween and Thanksgiving season as major psychological contributors to the problem.

“Pumpkins at Halloween can feel taken advantage of,” said Dr. Brad Spankin, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. He stated family members can often be totally unaware a problem even exists.

Chuckles’ friends now sadly mourn his death and say they wish they had seen the warning signs

“Being turned into a holiday decoration can leave (the pumpkin) unable to deal with a situation they perceive as humiliating, leading to depression,” he said.

Dr. Spankin started a pumpkin suicide survivor support group after his own Halloween Pumpkin committed suicide some 4 years ago.

Chuckles’ cousin Rita, who is a Gourd, said the stigma of being displayed as a Halloween Pumpkin had “finally gotten to (Chuckles).” She said Chuckles told her he was “feeling very hollow inside” just days before he leapt to his death.

Signs of depression in pumpkins can include both binge drinking and obsessive behaviors

Chuckles told friends he feared being made into pumpkin pie or having his seeds roasted and “could not take the stress” of an uncertain future any longer. He told others he felt “trapped” being kept on the family’s front porch, but sadly never sought professional help.

More than 38,000 leftover Halloween Pumpkins are believed to be still living in the Edmonds-Lynwood area.

Cats are working hard to reduce the stigma for pumpkins against seeking mental help, and plan on introducing a host of programs and campaigns aimed at convincing pumpkins to watch out for warning signs among their comrades and get counseling if they need it.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Cat Beaten In Bar Fight Over Pretzel

2010-11-08T10:13:00.001-08:00

Edmonds, WA

A local cat was beaten in a bar brawl that involved 6 cats Saturday evening, police said.

The cat, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Tater Tot is in satisfactory condition at Stevens Hospital.

The fight reportedly broke out after Tater made a “quick move” on the last peanut butter-filled pretzel left in the bowl on the barroom countertop.

Peanut butter-filled pretzels are tasty snacks with a sordid history of causing battles

"All of a sudden some guys surrounded Tater," said a witness. "One of them, who had a bald shaved head, started to tease him and told him he was cute. Then another cat appeared and he hit (Tater) in the face before taking the last pretzel.”

Witnesses said this started a physical argument between Tater and the cat, who hit him repeatedly in the face with a stainless steel drink muddler.

Other guests of the club allegedly helped to pull the two apart from each other. The rowdy cat took off into the men’s bathroom to eat the pretzel.

This Pug was kicked unconscious by a cat who then fled the scene

Early in the investigation it wasn't known what caused the fight, which broke out around 11:45 p.m. at Harvey‘s Lounge on Aurora Avenue.

Since that time witnesses have come forward to relate who had claim on the last pretzel.

Witnesses said Tater and another unidentified cat had been discussing (the pretzel) politely, saying “’you take it, no you take it,’” the witness said.

The fight occurred last night at Harvey’s Lounge on Aurora Avenue

A group of cats who had been watching grew angry at the discourse and forced their way to the bar to claim the pretzel and the fight broke out. One cat knocked a small Pug unconscious and repeatedly kicked him before fleeing the scene.

The manager said the cats involved were regulars at the bar but it was not clear to him who should have had the last pretzel.

Witnesses told police a cat later exited the men’s room breathing heavily and smelling like peanut butter with salt on his chin.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Who Took On Plastic Pumpkin Called A “Hero”

2010-10-31T12:41:00.001-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat was hospitalized this morning after being brutally attacked by a violent Orange, Plastic Halloween Pumpkin outside a home in Lynnwood, following a trend showing these type of vicious attacks on the rise.

Ginger Jasper, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair told the Gazette he was bringing groceries in from the car when he heard a terrifying squeal.

“I looked over my shoulder and one of those nasty pumpkins had my son cornered,” he told police in a statement. “At first I thought they were playing, but then I realized those screams were not play screams and I went to get help.”

Plastic pumpkins can be vicious and prone to attack if empty and hungry

Ginger Jasper said a neighbor heard the screams and dashed over to help. When the pumpkin saw Ginger Jasper, it quickly let go of his son, Happy, an 8-month-old, stuffed, Polyester and Cotton Disney Dwarf and attacked him instead.

“The pumpkin's jaw was locked down on (Happy’s) arm after it attacked him,” neighbor Fizzy said. “It tore into his arm, but once he got turned around, he saved his son from that beast.”

Neighbors said the two cats wrestled the pumpkin to the ground, bashing it’s large, pre-formed plastic head on the concrete and scratching at its painted-on, triangular eyes until it broke its grip and rolled away into the bushes.

Having saved his son from the pumpkin attack, neighbors and police are calling Ginger Jasper a hero.

Ginger Jasper’s bravery spared the life of son, Happy

The first three weeks of October saw more attacks by plastic pumpkins than all of last year combined, an International Plastic Pumpkin Watchdog Group said Tuesday.

"The bad economy is the major reason for the spike," said a local police officer. “These plastic pumpkins are hungry for Halloween candy and are willing to maim and rob anyone they can find to get it.”

The increase in attacks has forced many cats to patrol pumpkin gang hotspots such as doorstops and entryways. Over the past four weeks, plastic pumpkins have mounted a substantial 255 attacks, compared with 190 in all of 2008, the Bureau said.

Plastic Halloween Pumpkins are capable of many types of attack, most tend to be defensive, such as when the pumpkin is hungry and is threatened.

If the pumpkin is large, experts suggest playing dead, which lets the pumpkin know you are not a threat, which can cause it to back off.

Plastic pumpkins are dangerous when hungry or threatened, say experts

If the pumpkin is after Halloween candy, it is best to drop it and back away. If the pumpkin presses, experts say be aggressive: shout, bang on objects, or use pepper spray to scare it off.

Many pumpkins are trained fighters, others are young thugs enlisted for the job. Experts say they often go out and simply wait for a target. When they find one, the pumpkin bully smaller cats and move in, typically with 2 to 3 other armed pumpkins in tow.

“All I know is that we are all glad to be alive,” said Ginger Jasper. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had the Halloween candy in the car and that was what the pumpkin was after. You have to be very careful.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Ginger Jasper Photos: Thanks to Carol Pugh
Pumpkin Photos: Random

Working, Jobs, Linked To Depression, Study Finds

2010-10-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

A new study out of the University of Washington suggests cats and other animals who spend time working or studying run the risk of developing depression.

Since the 1990s working at a job whether hourly or salaried has been identified as a major predictor of future depression.

Having a job has been linked with relationship problems, health problems, aggressive behavior, peanut butter addiction and other psychiatric symptoms, they said.

A psychotic break forced Ling Mao to take a disability leave after just two hours of data entry work

"Given the results obtained from the study, even mentally healthy young kittens may succumb to depression after just a few hours of work,” said Oliver Roundbottom, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair who pioneered the project.

Subjects who performed light office work and made color copies cried on average 59% more often than subjects who were at home asleep.

Billy, a 2-year-old Vampire Bat said he experienced post-traumatic stress symptoms after using white-out to make corrections for his boss.

Two cats and one Pug in a focus group experienced devastating mental breakdowns after a lunch meeting ran late by just ten minutes. “The mental health consequences of working are devastating," said Roundbottom.

Billie said he “still cries” every time he imagines using white-out

At the start of the study researchers classified 0.2% of the participants as being depressed and 2.9% as seriously at risk.

After a 4-hour work shift, participants were re-assessed for depression and anxiety. Researchers found 88% had symptoms of anxiety and 97% had become depressed, itchy and confessed to suicidal ideation.

The conclusive findings support the previous long held belief that cats and other animals should not work, study or try to concentrate.

Roundbottom said the consequences of working are "devastating"

Researchers state the results of any type of labor, whether real or imagined, may result in the manifestation of insidious, debilitating psychological disorders.

Those subjected to work were given psychological counseling after the conclusion of the study and given recommendations to gamble, binge-eat and view hard-core pornography to treat their depression.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
This article is dedicated to Miss Kellie Kat Thompson, a most beautiful and cherished being

Forklift Removes Cat From Home Filled With Toilet Paper Rolls

2010-10-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

Edmonds firefighters cut a hole in the roof of a home today to extricate a cat from his second-floor bedroom after his collection of toilet paper rolls finally trapped him there.

Benjamin, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, is a hoarder who started collecting empty toilet paper rolls in late 2004.

Rescue workers were called in by a neighbor, who saw Benjamin waving a white tube sock tied to a golf club out of a second story skylight, fire officials said.

Firefighters broke through the roof near a skylight to rescue the ensconced cat

Neighbor Ox, a 10-year-old Domestic Short Hair, said Benjamin is a convicted "shredophile" who suffers from disposophobia, or pathological hoarding, a psychological disorder that creates a constant, chronic need to collect toilet paper rolls that can be life-threatening and even lead to overeating.

Friends said the cat had not left his home since 2006.

Benjamin told firefighters he had survived by breathing through a plastic McDonald’s drinking straw and eating stale Cheez-Its for two weeks while awaiting rescue.

Neighbors said Benjamin had not left his home since 2006

Benjamin admitted he started collecting toilet paper rolls as a hobby, but soon the craving for more rolls and a need to keep them caused significant impairment in functioning and eventually led to his self-entrapment.

Fire workers brought in a forklift high enough to raise a platform to a hole cut into the roof near the skylight where Benjamin was ensconced.

Firefighters covered the cat with a large blue tarp to shield him from onlookers and slid the platform into an ambulance for a trip to Harborview Hospital.

Reports said Benjamin started collecting rolls in late 2004

Neighbors admitted at one point they saw a visibly disturbed Benjamin “leaning out a second story window hanging toilet paper rolls in the upper branches of a fir tree.”

Professionals said Benjamin is most likely a “Level III Hoarder,” meaning he may suffer from chronic disorganization and require services in addition to those a professional psychologist and related professionals can provide.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Benjamin Photos: Thanks to Sarah D. & Benjamin via email

Local Cat Says He Built Entire House Without A Level

2010-10-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

A local cat heavily concerned with the environment decided he could build an entire home using only "found materials," and recycling everything, right down to the nails.

To build the home, he stole wood, glass, bricks, molding, and even nails from neighbors and friends. He couldn’t find a level, but that didn’t stop him.

“It took only two months to build,” said Duncan Donut, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair from Seattle. “Whenever I needed to measure something I pretty much just guessed.”

Duncan admitted that being “cross-eyed” didn’t help much

Where most cats prefer “new” above all else, Duncan says building new homes out of existing materials is the only true way to reduce his carbon footprint.

"I was determined to do this. I pulled the nails right out of some people's decks so I wouldn't have to go to Home Depot," he said.

“Think of the cats driving around in Prius cars covered with ‘think green’ bumper stickers,” Duncan continued. “If they really wanted to be ‘green’ they’d be re-vamping old diesel Volkswagen Rabbits and driving them, not buying newly made products.”

Duncan said it was just that sort of hypocrisy that led him to build his own home out of what he calls “scavenged materials.” He said that building the home for the most part was relatively easy, although being cross-eyed did not help him.

Cross-eyed wife Mabel says she still gets “…a bit dizzy”

“Oh, I won’t tell you that there’s a few places in the house where the floor isn’t level,” he said. “But as long as you watch where you walk and watch your head you’ll be okay.”

“I get a little sick myself,” wife Mabel says of the uneven floors, windows, and tilting walls. But if I take Dramamine I’m alright.”

No matter what your taste may be, most agree the project was incredibly eco-friendly, with the exception of the 237 homeowners who now must go out and replace the wood, shingles, and rock that was stolen from their homes to build it.

Parts of this neighbor’s house were borrowed to make Duncan’s eco-friendly home

“Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is a common thing,” Duncan said. “It’s kind of hard not to since the bed is at about a 45 degree angle.”

One neighbor said he thinks it is the greatest idea he ever saw. “I myself suffer from severe vertigo, a balance disorder. But that place is so crooked it’s the only place I can walk straight.”

Duncan proudly boasts that his project is proof that you can make a good economical and ecologically-sound home by purchasing absolutely nothing.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Donuts, Apple Fritters, Linked To Tourette Cure, Study Finds

2010-10-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

In a recent study of cats combating Tourette Syndrome, cats and kittens who ate donuts produced markedly increased amounts of dopamine, a chemical key to the brain's reward system that is scarce in the brains of cats with this disease.

Tourette Syndrome (also called Tourette’s Syndrome) is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder common in females with onset in kitten hood characterized by multiple physical and vocal tics.

Cats with this disorder are faced daily with problems stemming from an apparent inability to stop swearing at others which often leads to them to being beaten up, tied up and stuffed into mailboxes.

Glazed donuts have long been prescribed to police officers for generalized and other anxiety disorders in the past

The findings show that eating donuts, especially apple fritters, directly regulates the brain's reward system into gear and could possibly help not just Tourette patients but a number of different illnesses, such as pork rind eating and chronic garage sale shopping.

No dopamine response occurred in control study cats given carrots or bugs even after being told they had a 50 percent to 100% chance of being cured by eating them.

Creole, a 9-year-old, spayed Domestic Short hair said the findings of the study have helped her treat her son Max, a victim of the strange disease.

Young Max’s Tourette’s is now more manageable with the prescribed use of donuts

“Everywhere we went (he’d) scream ‘monkey ass’ or ‘sugar fart tart,” Creole said. “It was very embarrassing, now I give him a donut and he shuts up.”

In the study, the researchers used PET scans to examine whether cats’ expectations of getting a donut would be related to the amount of dopamine released in their brain after they ate it.

They randomly assigned 35 hostile, swearing-prone cats to be informed that they had a 25 percent chance, 50 percent chance, 75 percent chance, or 100 percent chance of receiving a drug to help their condition. All but five were given donuts.

Beaten many times in the past for repeatedly calling her brother a whore, Matilda is now grateful there is hope in sight in the form of a donut

"We lied to everyone, but the cats who ate the donuts just didn’t care,” one researcher stated. “The implications of this study are far reaching and good for the baking industry.”

Researchers first demonstrated a relationship between the donut effect and dopamine release in police officers nineteen years ago and say this research is only the beginning.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Toilet Paper Tastes Bad, Cats Say

2010-10-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

Mukilteo, WA

Local cats gathered in a town hall-styled forum Monday night to debate the merits of eating toilet paper.

Seventeen cats in all, ranging in age from 1 to 14 years of age met in the local library to discuss outcomes and long term expectations.

"Toilet paper tastes bad," said Muggles, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. "Really bad, but for some odd reason, I still try a bit off every new roll."

"I think toilet paper tastes bad" said Muggles

Cats noted no matter what was eaten with the toilet paper, it still tasted awful. One cat stated toilet paper was problematic when caught in the teeth.

Quilted toilet paper was deemed the easiest to rip apart and chew. Double-strength rolls were decidedly much harder to shred. Single-ply, cheap toliet paper was declared the easiest to rip the shit out of and create the biggest mess with.

Different colors, prints, and textures were discussed at length over coffee and fritters, but the result was quite often the same.

Paco has heard that colored toilet paper tastes really bad, too

Older cats recalled days of eating colered toilet paper, but with similar results.

"Colored toilet paper was a sort of fad of the late 70's and early 80's" said Paco, a 6-year-old,spayed, Domestic Short Hair, "I never saw any in my day, but I have heard rumor that it tasted nasty."

"We really aren't sure why Humans put it there, so we try it and see" said Panda, a 7-year-old former-Feral male. "It simply infuriates them. I believe this is why we do not quit doing it. It is interesting that humans react to us eating it. It is fun to make a real mess out of everything and then see them forced to clean it up"

Toilet paper tastes pretty bad

Easting of paper towels and bath towels was discussed, as well as the taste of dryer sheets, lint, socks, underwear, and t-shirts.

The discussion group will meet again, if needed, to discuss the merits of further toilet paper sampling studies or to propose mandate on effective toilet paper controlling and collecting.

There was discussion of the merits of using condiments on toilet paper in the future to possibly improve its taste. "I heard that models in New York City eat toilet paper so they don't gain weight," said Ziggy, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair, "It just makes me wonder if they are on to something there."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

"Birth Control Glasses" Successful In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies, Study Finds

2010-10-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent 2 year study conducted by Planned Parenthood concluded last week has proven the efficacy of the devices preventing unwanted pregnancies.

In the study 100 cats ranging in age from 2 to 9-years-old, were fitted with ugly pairs of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males.

Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

In the bar room-type experiments the unsightly glasses quickly deterred even the most obviously inebriated males from attempting to hustle, grab at, feel up, or mate with the females.

In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant. Females polled said the main benefit to the glasses is they do not require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain or daily pills.

Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

The ugly glasses are thought to prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right.

The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair. Jasper is a consulting physician at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

Males agreed the glasses are so ugly and off-putting to that an estimated 20,000 unwanted kitten pregnancies are believed to have been avoided.

Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

“I don’t want kittens until I am married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

The "Birth Control Glasses" have been hailed as a Godsend by many females, who credit the glasses with putting a halt on their previously wild and promiscuous behavior and allowing them to focus on their studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of glasses for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Spider Takes Credit For Successful Three Car Accident

2010-10-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Everett, WA

A local spider today claimed responsibility for a successful three car crash that spun the days of more than seven Humans into a tailspin.

Frederico Gagnon, a 6-month-old Brown Recluse Spider, who lives in Edmonds, was hitching a ride to work inside a Human’s car when the female driver began to text and drive.

“I hate it when (Humans) do that,” said Frederico. “They know it’s dangerous and can cause accidents, but they do it anyway.”

The three car pile up stopped traffic for hours and led to mayhem

Frederico said he’d hitched rides from the Human in the past from Edmonds to his office at Boeing‘s Everett plant, where he is employed as a web designer.

“I’d fallen asleep, actually. I‘d had a late night,” Frederico said. “She’d driven past my stop, so I had to get her to stop somehow or I‘d be late again.”

“All it took was for me to run across her leg, that was it,” he stated. “She saw me and freaked. She dropped her cell phone and crashed into two other cars, screaming.”

A cat who saw the accident claimed he was “giddy”

Frederico said he then calmly grabbed his briefcase, exited the vehicle, giggled, and walked one block back to his office, unseen.

Elated as causing the mayhem, he told his co-workers of his success and they all toasted him with cooler water and chocolate chip cookies.

One cat who saw the accident claimed he was “giddy” and admitted he had all too often “underestimated spiders” in the past.

Friends gave Frederico a big high five for his victory

“It was so fun to sit there for a moment and watch those (Humans) point fingers and blame each other,” Frederico said.

“Anytime you can mess up the day of a Human, it’s a victory for all species,” said co-worker David, a 1-year-old Funnel Web Spider who is originally from Australia. “We are proud of his on-the-spot ingenuity and celebrate the day.”

There were no serious injuries and ultimately the accident was blamed on the initiating car’s female operator having been using a cell phone at the time of the crash.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Bag Of Garbage Seen Wandering "Probably Homeless" Neighbors Say

2010-09-28T09:43:00.001-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

Locals say a half-filled, black, Hefty Drawstring Garbage Bag seen prowling the 181st and 67th Avenue area this past week was most likely homeless.

The bag was spotted hiding near a tomato plant this past Monday and was last seen scurrying across the street on Friday night.

“We know he isn’t local,” said Max, a 12-year-old, neutered, Ginger Domestic Short Hair, who has lived in the area with his wife, Bianca, for the past 9 years. “Everyone around here uses cans, either metal or plastic, so a guy like that kinda...well, sticks out, you know what I mean?”

Max and his wife, Bianca saw the garbage bag

Cats who live in the small cul-de-sac have all reported things missing within the past week. Items like cigarette butts, a few empty cardboard boxes, and coffee grounds led them to believe a homeless garbage bag was trying to support itself in the area.

Sadly, reports say that while single, white male cats comprise 44 percent of the homeless, single, Tortoise Shell female cats 13 percent, and cats with kittens 36 percent, unaccompanied, black, plastic garbage bags account for 7 percent of the total.

“I hate to think of garbage bags begging for scraps,” continued Max. “In this day and age when we all have so much for ourselves, it pains me to know there are folks out there suffering right outside our doors.”

Margene saw the garbage bag through her kitchen window

“He scooted across the street fast. I felt really bad.“ said Max’s wife Bianca, a 9-year-old, Russian Blue, who saw the terrified bag last Wednesday. “He saw me and fled. A few dented, empty tuna cans clanked and fell out of him on his way up towards the next house.”

“At first I thought he was hooking up with Judy,” said neighbor cat Margene, a 13-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “She got divorced a few months back and that’s just the sort of trash she’d hang out with.”

Margene said she first saw the garbage bag through the kitchen window while fixing waffles, saying he ‘ducked and tried to hide’ under a car, concealing himself from view. An anonymous neighbor later admitted that the bag told her it was looking for a place to sleep.

This Yard Waste can says he offered to help the lonely garbage bag

One particular 3-year-old, Plastic, Yard Waste Disposal Can said he saw the lonely garbage bag wandering around and offered to let him use his cell phone to call for help, but stated that the garbage bag admitted he had ‘no one’ to call.

A not so well-known fact about homelessness, 28 percent of homeless garbage bags said they sometimes or very often do not get enough to eat, compared with 15 percent of relatively-low income cats.

“It was garbage day on Thursday,” continued Margene. “I saw him hiding on the curb over near the plastic cans and recycle bins, trying to fit in. It was so sad, I hope he finds his way.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random

Support Grows For Limiting String in Local Schools

2010-09-20T07:55:00.001-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A bill that would ban the sale of string and yarn in school vending machines and school stores is gaining momentum in the legislature, as Washington combats a troubling rise in school-age string addiction.

While cigarette smoking is at its lowest point in recent history, the non-medical use of string and yarn has increased during the last five years among 9th-grade kittens and remained unchanged among 8th- and 12th-graders.

Nearly 1 in 10 high school seniors reported non-medical use of string; 1 in 20 reported abuse of 100% cotton yarn.

Young Emmerich has been addicted to string since the first time he tried it recreationally at a party

When asked how string was obtained for non-medical use, 52 percent of kittens said they were given the string or had bought it from a friend or relative.

Others said it was sold in some vending machines found around campus right next to packages of cigarettes. Some 30 percent of kittens reported receiving a prescription for it, and a negligible number of 12th-graders reported purchasing the string over the internet.

The House passed a similar bill in January, after nearly a decade of debate on similar bills that went nowhere. Now, Senate officials have thrown their support behind the effort in hopes to keep string out of the hands of school-age kittens.

String has been confiscated at Lynndale Elementary over 57 times in the last week, according to police

“Everyone knows that using string adversely impacts a kitten’s ability to learn,’’ an official said in an interview. “Everyone is very alarmed about the high level of string addiction and more and more are becoming addicted every day. It’s a crisis.”

“You can’t just play with string once,” said Emmerich, a 2-year-old, Domestic Short Hair. “Once you try it you are hooked.”

Legislators say over 90% of kittens who try string become addicted after the first try. Upon first use, the user experiences an intense sensation, called a "rush" or "flash," that lasts only a few minutes and is described as extremely pleasurable.

This cat, who was addicted to purple and yellow yarn for five years, said he will do anything to see the bill get passed

String abusers can develop a tolerance quickly, needing larger and larger amounts of string to play with.

In some cases, users forego food and sleep to play with string every few hours for days, 'binging' until they shred it up into teeny-tiny little bits or become too disorganized to continue.

President Obama is urging Congress, as it overhauls the bill, to set standards for all string and yarn sold outside lunch and breakfast programs in the hopes of controlling this growing issue.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Gas Explosion Caused By Fiber One Bars Not Faulty Pipeline, ATF Says

2010-09-16T09:00:00.001-07:00

Edmonds, WA

Three Lynndale Elementary School classrooms were completely destroyed yesterday by a terrifying series of gas explosions that hospitalized nine and injured over 20 cats and kittens.

Investigators sent from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) concluded the gas emanated from a cat who ate an entire box of Fiber One granola bars rather than a crack in a gas pipeline as was believed earlier.

The cat in question later admitted to the farts that caused the explosions.

Gas clouds reached up to 500 feet high, witnesses said

“The first thing I heard was a rumble, then all of the sudden a big explosion, like BOOM," said Chester, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The heat (from the farts) shot up the rows and the gas (from the farts) engulfed the classroom.”

The blasts shot a fireball into the air that consumed several wall maps and a globe in an instant. One cat was blasted free from his britches, which were incinerated by the dense heat.

After the initial explosions, the (fart) gas clouds reached up to 500 feet high and could be seen from space.

“It was…like BOOM,” said Chester

Temperatures and odors from the blast were so extreme that when the first fire truck got to the scene, its windshield immediately cracked and witnesses saw paint bubbling up on parked cars, one official said.

One lethal fume crept out an open window and seared an eight inch hole through the soft canvas top of a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.

The (fart) explosions left a 15-foot crater at its epicenter.

Nine cats suffered second degree burns on their arms and tails from the radiating temperatures. One cat, who was seated behind the (farter), has a scalded pink bald stripe down the center of his skull.

Fiber One bars are well known to cause gas attacks and have been linked to terrorist groups since 2007

ATF investigators crawled the pipes under the building and determined them to be safe, they then captured and questioned a cat who had been seen hiding Fiber One Bar wrappers under some rocks.

“Now that the source of the (farts) has been determined and contained we are certain there is no longer a threat,” said Edmonds Fire Chief Crickets, a 13-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “The building is now safe.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Trees Found Beheaded Were Victims Of Terror, Police Say

2010-09-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A 10-year-old Douglas Fir Tree and his 9-year-old brother were found ruthlessly beheaded by an elderly cat outside her residence in east Edmonds.

Edgar Scott, and Jacob Wood were previously employed as Christmas Trees until their jobs ended last December.

Unidentified suspects killed the trees by beheading them with a sharp-edged weapon, possibly serrated, and managed to walk away unseen, police said.

“My heart went out to those two trees,” said the elderly cat who found their bodies

The two trees were reported missing by their family on January 12th and had not been heard from since. Family members said in a statement that their home had been targeted by ecology groups in the past and that they felt this was an act of terror.

“Oh we’ve been toilet papered I can’t tell you how many times,” said Edgar and Jacob’s mother Flan, an 87-year-old Douglas Fir. “We just stood our ground and held firm, we don't bend with the wind.”

Before their disappearance, the two trees had been living in a small rented house with a Scotch Pine named Harry for the last six and a half months.

In a statement, Harry, who is a Scotch Pine, said he will “truly miss” the brothers’ company

The cat who discovered the bodies was not at home when the incident took place. She reportedly went out to get the morning paper around 6:00 a.m. and “found them.”

Another neighbor informed the police of the incident after hearing the cat’s screams.

Family members said they had been frantically calling the young trees on their mobile phones and when they did not respond, contacted their landlord. The landlord said he had not seen them since on or around December 29, 2009.

“It’s very sad, this sort of anti-Holiday sentiment,” said Nitwit

"Available circumstances indicate that the perpetrator was well-known to the victims and knew where they were going to be and when. We are investigating the case as terrorist activity," Edmonds police said.

Cats in the neighborhood have set up a makeshift memorial for the slain trees. A wooden cross, flowers, and Christmas ornaments have piled up at the site where the bodies were found.

Pine Tree-scented car air refreshers were seen hung on a nearby fence to commemorate the brothers. “They were innocents,” a neighbor said. “This should not have happened.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Tree Photos by me

Trial Date Set For Cat Who Put Spaghetti Sauce In Refrigerator Without Date Label

2010-09-09T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sequim, Wa

A court date has been set in Clallam County for a cat accused of a crime that resulted in the untimely death of what neighbors called a “good amount of spaghetti sauce.”

Katie, a 4-year-old, neutered, Tuxedo cat, is charged with first degree reckless endangerment charges after she put an opened, half-full jar of Prego spaghetti sauce into the fridge without a date label on it following a dinner party.

Police investigators said Katie was a guest at the home of the scene. According to reports she was cleaning up the kitchen sometime after midnight and when she got to the food and leftovers she carelessly placed the lid on the jar of sauce and "callously" put it on a shelf in the refrigerator.

The jars next to the sauce were clearly marked with a freshness date

Katie later told police she had been up all night, at times drinking beer and playing lottery games with another cat. She said she stumbled across the jar of spaghetti sauce and simply threw it in (the refrigerator) without thinking.

Katie told police that another guest at the party had tried to flirt with her and that it had made her confused. She said she was “not thinking clearly” when she put the sauce in the refrigerator without first jotting down today’s date and that she “made a terrible mistake.”

Katie told Police she then went home, showered, and went to sleep. She awoke the next morning to find police at her door with handcuffs, sent by the host of the previous night’s party.

Neighbor Tygana laments the death of the sauce

The homeowner, whose name has been withheld, said she woke up in the middle of the night and knew something was wrong.

“I just knew,” the homeowner said in a statement to police. “I went to the ‘fridge and sure enough, I looked and saw there was no date label on the spaghetti sauce. Who knew how long it had been in there like that?”

She said she immediately took the jar out of the refrigerator and dialed 911. EMTs at the scene tried desperately to affix a proper date label on the jar, but had no success, saying it was too late.

The jar of sauce, alone in the refrigerator for an unknown amount of time, was thrown out.

The picturesque town of Sequim mourns the loss of the sauce

“It’s a tragedy that something like this could happen here,” said neighbor Tygana, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “We moved here because it seemed like such a small town, now this happened.”

For months it looked like a plea bargain was in the works, but those talks fell through. Katie is pleading not guilty to first degree reckless endangerment. Now jury draw will be held the last week of October, with the trial starting November 1. If convicted, Katie could face 35 years in prison.

"That was a great tasting spaghetti sauce, and we hurt for everybody in its family," said a family insider. "The loss of this much sauce is very sad."

The Prego spaghetti sauce was 10-months-old. It was a limited ‘Heart Smart’ variety and originally came to Sequim with its twin brother from Costco.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Katie Photos: Thanks to Debbie

Peanut Butter Addiction Claims Yet Another Young Life

2010-09-07T10:15:00.001-07:00

Seattle, WA

The life of a talented young cat has sadly come to an end today after being discovered dead in his bedroom from an apparent overdose of peanut butter.

Sammy, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, started out his career as a computer programmer working at Amazon.com.

Family and friends said the long hours he worked there led to his addiction and subsequent abuse of peanut butter.

Peanut butter can be highly addictive and is considered a Class 3 narcotic

“He used to work two or three hour days,” said wife Gumball, also a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “Those are long hours. I know that was when he started using.”

Friends at work said he began to use peanut butter after most people were starting to go home for the night. “He’d pop a big spoonful of it in his mouth,” said one friend, “It made him able to work another four to six hours no problem. He’d just freak out and get really happy and hyper.”

Years went by and Sammy rose from within the company to greater and greater positions of authority as his tolerance for peanut butter grew.

Wife Gumball was unaware of the totality of the addiction

“He started to get to a point where he needed more (peanut butter) to achieve the same ‘high.’” Gumball said. “I found empty peanut butter jars stashed everywhere around the house, I never realized what was going on until it was too late.”

Gumball stated that she began to find receipt after receipt from stores in a ten mile radius all from peanut butter purchases.

Reports said he would go to one store to get a few jars and when that store would not give him more, he ‘doctor-shopped’ for peanut butter at other grocery locations.

An empty jar of peanut butter was found on the floor near the body

“When I questioned him about it he grew angry, violent, even,” she continued. “The (peanut butter) had made him into a cocky person I was no longer familiar with.”

She reportedly found over 32 jars in her home alone. Peanut butter ranging from Adam’s, Skippy Super Chunk, and Peter Pan to high-end varieties like Peanut Butter & Company.

Gumball stated she found her husband passed out in their bedroom this morning and decided to let him sleep it off. All the time unaware that he had passed away due to an overdose of Skippy Honey Roasted Super Chunk.

If you or someone you know has a problem with peanut butter, please contact Peanut Butter Eaters Anonymous. The life you save could be your own.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cats Who Escaped Prison Were On Death Row, Warden Confirms

2010-09-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

Walla Walla, WA

Two guards at Walla Walla State Penitentiary have been fired and a waffle cook demoted after three inmates managed to steal a 12” stainless steel wire whisk and escape.

Warden Emil Buttercup said the cats, who were on death row, attacked the waffle cook in the kitchen and seized the deadly whisk. They then turned the whisk on two guards and fought their way out the front gate.

Buttercup said he should have never allowed the cook access to a wire whisk at the prison in the first place because of his lengthy criminal history.

A deadly wire whisk like this one was used by the convicts to escape

Police say the cats then carjacked a Pug driving a red GMC pickup truck a few streets away, and led police on a wild chase before crashing and running into the woods. The Pug was unharmed.

Buttercup said the cats, all 4-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold littermates, were awaiting a new set of appeals when they broke out of prison.

The inmates are identified as Bingo. Mr. Jiggles, and Ernest Hemingway. Fortunately for police, Mr. Jiggles, who is an admitted social networking addict, has been constantly updating his Facebook page on a netbook, giving police detailed clues as to where to find them.

Convicted felon Mr. Jiggles is reportedly a huge fan of the social networking site Facebook

“Last we saw, (Mr. Jiggles) became a fan of 'Julie and Julia,'” said Buttercup. "And reported that he ate six ‘big juicy cheezburgers’ at the Burgermaster on Aurora.”

The three cats had already served one year on Washington State’s death row after being convicted in 2008 of first degree theft of office supplies from their employer with intent of personal use. Up until their conviction, the brothers had all worked for Premera Blue Cross.

Due to the nature of the crimes the cats were sentenced for, U.S. Marshals have been stationed at local Office Max, Staples, and Office Depot stores in case the cats try to steal more office supplies.

U.S. Marshals are staking out office supply stores in case the cats intend a robbery

This comes as disturbing news for those living in nearby areas, who may or may not need to go and purchase office supplies themselves.

“This is terrifying,” said one local cat who did not want to be identified. “What if I run out of Post-It notes? I hate that.”

Prison representatives said the prison is a maximum security facility. It has since been placed on lockdown while officers look for the other inmates who might have known about the escape plan.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Owner Of Missing Donut Says He Suspects Best Friend

2010-08-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

The owner of a day-old, Powdered Sugar Cake Donut missing for more than four hours told a judge he believes his roommate and best friend is involved in the disappearance, according to court documents released today.

The owner of the donut, Chesty, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, told investigators that the suspect was in the kitchen near the area where the donut was sleeping on the counter just before its disappearance.

The initial decision to question the suspect, whose name has been withheld, was based on information provided to law enforcement including his weight and eating habits.

Police said they fear the worst possible outlook for the young donut, who friends described as " a sweet person with a terrific outlook"

Chesty said he entered the kitchen around noon to find the pink bakery box pried open with a screw-driver and the donut missing. He immediately grew worried and called police.

He said he brought the donut home on Sunday morning along with 12 others, who he ate that day.

Before the donut’s disappearance Chesty said his relationship with the suspect was "a clean slate, as far as I can tell."

Neighbor Barb said the suspect “is fat, so I think maybe he ate it.”

Court documents appeared to confirm a report by a neighbor with allegations the suspect was seen wandering around a playground that afternoon “playing with little children with powdered sugar caught in his beard.”

“(The suspect) was smiling and carrying on as if nothing was wrong,” said neighbor Barb, a 5-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “He was completely oblivious to the powdered sugar on his chin.”

Another neighbor said today at a news conference that she remembered (the suspect) was once a member of the notorious cult Weight Watchers. "I've known him a long time," she said. "There’s a hole in this story somewhere, I know he's lying."

Police visited the donut’s previous home and questioned relatives in the hope he’d escaped and somehow made contact with them

Police are hoping to find the donut, but also are pursuing the possibility that the donut may have escaped on its own. They distributed fliers asking for information on his whereabouts hours after it vanished.

A call to the suspect’s lawyer was not immediately returned today.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Jobs For Beavers Hit All-Time Low, Study Finds

2010-08-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

Chick, a 15-year-old, North American Beaver, had just given birth to her second child. She was 2 weeks back from maternity leave at her dam when she was called into a supervisor’s office.

"I’m sorry, but you need to be looking for other employment," her manager told her.

Chick worked as a lineman, scaling telephone poles for Verizon. She suddenly found herself coping with the grief of being unemployed after yet another customer reported having seen her chewing down the giant wooden telephone poles she worked on. Twelve months later, she's still out of work.

Southern Yellow Pine is the most widely used and delicious species in the United States

"It's a vicious cycle for a beaver," Chick said. “It was hard to climb tree poles all day and not chew down at least a few.”

Most utility poles are made of wood. Southern Yellow Pine is the most widely used and delicious species in the United States. Other varieties include Douglas Fir, Jack Pine, Lodgepole Pine, Western Red Cedar, and Pacific Silver Fur.

Chick is not alone. She is among the 21.5 percent of unemployed beavers, almost twice the rate of unemployment for cats. The figure was included in a new report released today on the state of beavers by the National Urban League.

Harold once owned a prosperous landscaping business

In addition, beaver-owned businesses have reported major third quarter losses. They represent a paltry 5% of privately owned companies and the study said more are needed to help spur job growth in beaver communities.

“I owned a landscape business, I used to do pretty well,” said Harold, a 12-year-old North American Beaver. Harold did admit that his beaver instincts have caused him to lose more than a few jobs.

“I remember once working on an infinity pool for a cat,” Harold recounted. “Before I knew it I had cleared the woods and dammed up her pool, (the owner) was not happy.”

Harold said “before he knew it” he’d cleared the woods and dammed up a client's pool

Harold said he tried taking a job at Office Depot, but was fired after only a week for constantly sharpening and eating pencils. "They taste good," he said.

The report presented other sobering statistics on the difficulties of keeping a job as a beaver. Beavers said they face racial discrimination and are looked at as a minority due to their “semi-aquatic” and “primarily nocturnal” status.

The report also said the beavers’ near-constant harvesting of trees and flooding of waterways interfered with job duties.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Agents Allowed To Put GPS Trackers On Cats, Kittens, Court Says

2010-08-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

According to a recent federal appeals court ruling, law enforcement officers may now secretly place GPS devices on cats and kittens without first seeking a warrant from a judge.

In January 2010, DEA agents secretly attached a GPS device to a 10-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair named Juanita, whom they suspected of rampant apple fritter eating, according to court papers.

When Juanita was arrested and charged, evidence used against her included GPS data showing precisely which bakeries she had been visiting and how many fritters she ate, including the longitude and latitude of where the bakeries were located and how long she stayed there.

Apple fritters (also known as fritts, smack, app, and crystal-app) are a sometimes lethal form of donut

Prosecutors assert she had traveled several times a day to remote suburban strip mall donut shop locations, where agents later discovered “stack upon stack” of empty pink bakery boxes.

Juanita eventually pled guilty to conspiracy to hoard apple fritters, and is serving a 2-year sentence. Her lawyer has since appealed on the grounds that secretly tracking a cat violates a cat’s “reasonable expectation” of privacy.

DEA agents say they are not worried and applaud the federal court decision, spouting data showing the dangers of apple fritters and prosecutions on a steady uphill climb.

This cat was stunned and frightened when he learned the exact location of where the small, oblong GPS unit was to be inserted

Eating an apple fritter produces a short burst of icing-induced energy which mimics adrenaline, a natural stress hormone made by the body. Users say the “high” they get from an apple fritter can last 6 to 8 hours or longer.

“That icing is so good,” said one cat on condition of anonymity. “Once you have an (apple fritter) you are hooked and soon need another.” Doctors report a positive correlation between apple fritter users and paper towel and sock eating.

Bakery employees say increased taste technology in their industry has allowed the potency of apple fritters to increase by 175 percent, leading to increased apple fritter consumption and demand.

Doctors report a positive correlation between apple fritter users and paper towel and sock eating

From 1992 to 2009, there has been a 492.1 percent increase in the proportion of rehab treatment admissions for cats under age 8 where clinical diagnosis was reported as apple fritter abuse or dependence.

Agents used this and other data to plead with federal judges for the use of GPS to aid in apple fritter investigations and won. Time will tell whether privacy rights overrule the decision, but for now DEA agents are hard at work in the War on Donuts.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

72 Jars Of Peanut Butter Found Dead In Edmonds Home

2010-08-25T09:57:00.001-07:00

Edmonds, WA

Edmonds SWAT discovered 72 empty jars of peanut butter outside a home located in the Main Street neighborhood, police reports said.

More than 12 of the jars were broken and most showed defensive wounds.

“Their labels were clearly torn off,“ said Roberto, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair at the grisly scene. “It is a clear sign (that) a struggle ensued.”

Edmonds police were tipped off about the gruesome, makeshift burial ground after a cat who was suffering from a gunshot wound came to them seeking help.

Forensic investigators said this jar was trying to get a “last drink of water” before succumbing to injuries

The unnamed cat told police a “peanut butter-eating gang” had teased him and shot him with a Red Ryder BB gun, according to a statement. The witness led police to the scene of the teasing while SWAT and forensic units were notified.

SWAT units found 58 empty, licked clean jars of chunky and 14 jars of creamy peanut butter at the scene along with an untold number of spent copper BBs and plastic forks with peanut butter residue still visible on the tines.

Edmonds police called it one of the largest discoveries of peanut butter crime in Edmonds’ 4-year-old war on gang-related incidents.

Neighbors said “Smokey and the Bandit” had lived at the scene since 2005

"We sent SWAT into the (area) where the cat had been shot,” said a 5-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell SWAT team member. The cat, who was not authorized to speak to the press, declined to give her name.

During the search of the home SWAT teams found a cache of weapons, camouflage uniforms, plastic forks, empty toilet paper rolls and a red and white Cat-In-The-Hat outfit with pom-pom ears, the statement said.

Neighbors said two cats known as “Smokey and the Bandit” had been living together in the home since 2005, but their whereabouts are unknown.

“They may have been trying to escape when they were killed,” police said of the empty jars

Edmonds officials put out a statement condemning the barbaric acts committed and reaffirmed its commitment to the rule of law on protecting endangered peanut butter resources.

“Society must condemn and persecute acts against peanut butter,” an official said.

A statement released today advised cats to be on alert and report any suspicious peanut butter eating to their local precincts in the hope of catching the suspects.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Who Threw Apple Core In Toilet Nearly Drowns In Deluge

2010-08-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat today told how he watched his three best friends being nearly swept to their deaths after a flash flood emanated from a toilet he had clogged up with an apple core.

Meatball, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, scrambled off the seat of a brown leather sofa as it was carried away by a surge of water from the upstairs toilet.

Meatball said he had been upstairs using the bathroom, feeling cocky and not wanting to smell up the bathroom garbage can, he said he just "flung" the apple core into the toilet.

An apple core lodged in the plumbing caused the violent flooding

Duncan, Frankie, and Lukas, all 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair brothers, were swept away in the deluge as they sat in the living room. The friends were gathered together watching ’Desperate Housewives’ when a drip they had reportedly heard earlier suddenly became a “huge tsunami-like wave” and suddenly burst into an two mile wide river.

Within a few minutes, the water pouring over the top of the toilet was so high it had washed through the house and over a small bridge on the road to Meatball’s home. Cars that had been parked nearby had been lifted by the tsunami-like waves and carried down the street

“Whole trees went by us,” said Duncan, who was found three hours later some 67 feet up in a fir tree clutching an apple fritter and shaking. “It was terrifying.”

The three brothers are now resting dry and comfortably

"I think the sofa rolled over a few times with the force of the toilet water before it finally smashed through the front wall of the house,” said Duncan. “I was clutching the sofa cushions, but finally was thrown off.”

"I saw Lukas holding onto the drapes as I was pushed out by the water,” said Meatball. “He was saying, ‘oh, shit.’ I heard Duncan laughing and Lukas yelling.

Meatball, described by relatives as shy and responsible, was reportedly in a hurry when he decided to just “toss the apple in.” It appears he simply misjudged the capacity of the plumbing, which had never failed him before.

The clogged toilet eventually flooded the entire Lynnwood area

All 4 cats are being treated for minor injuries at Stevens Hospital and are expected to be released without incident.

Amid the threat of worse flooding and fast-moving water in many parts of the neighborhood, Lynnwood Police warned cats to stay away from the now toilet-flooded sections and any areas where water is being diverted by culverts and drainage ditches.

During Lynnwood's "Flood of the Century" in 1985, Ramona the Pest, a 7-year-old, spayed, Tortoise Shell was killed when she was overtaken by water flowing from a wild, unchecked drinking fountain.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Three Cats Photo: Courtesy edhat.com Santa Barbara
Others: Random

Local Cat Blames His Gerbil For Kitty Porn Downloads

2010-08-21T17:54:00.001-07:00

Seattle, WA

A Seattle cat accused of downloading photos of cute, cuddly young kittens is blaming his pet gerbil to be cleared of the horrible crime.

Bandit, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair was charged Wednesday night with more than 34 counts of possession of cute kitten pictures, a Class 3 felony, after detectives found more than 2,300 full-color images of fluffy, young, Scottish Folds, Abyssinians, and Tabbies on his personal computer, laptop, and iPhone.

Bandit firmly alleges that he had “no knowledge whatsoever” of the scandalous pictures and instead says his pet Reggie, a 1-year-old Mongolian Gerbil, was behind the illegal downloads.

This Mongolian Gerbil named Reggie is being blamed for the illegal downloads

Bandit told police he shares a home with the gerbil in a Ballard neighborhood and believes the gerbil frequently accessed the computer while he was in the bathroom showering and also while he was asleep.

He stated that as far as he knew, the gerbil didn’t know how to type, but once when he had been downloading music and left the room, he returned and noticed the gerbil typing frantically on the keyboard and looking “red-faced.”

Bandit further told investigators that his gerbil had a "bad habit" of sitting on the window sill and staring, glassy-eyed, out the window gazing adoringly at young kittens in the neighborhood as they frolicked and played with string.

Bandit said he’d seen the gerbil gazing adoringly at kittens in the past

Bandit also stated that on several occasions he came back from the store and found his computer on after he was certain he had shut it down.

Bandit, in the hopes of clearing his name, gave police officers verbal consent to enter the home the two shared.

Officers found hidden boxes of full color pull-out cat and kitten calendar photos, stacks of pirated Cat Show DVDs, and other digital media showing young cats and kittens, some curled up in sleeping positions, some dressed up in silly outfits or playing with watermelons, police said.

“This cat had a lifetime collection of kitty porn,” Officer Barbado, a 13-year-old, Domestic Short Hair said. “There is no doubt that these kitten photos were obtained illegally. (The kittens) all looked to be between 4-to-6-months old, and some were even younger. To try and blame this crime on a gerbil is laughable, at best.”

Police found more than 2,300 full-color images of young, cuddly kittens

Police said kittens from the town were questioned and said they had never been accosted by Bandit, and police officials said neither Bandit nor the gerbil had any previous offenses.

Some of the images discovered appear to be original photographs, but it is still unclear exactly who took the pictures or how exactly a gerbil could even hold a camera to have taken them, reports said.

Police didn't buy Bandit's story and he is currently being held on $250,000 bail in the Snohomish County Jail. The gerbil is reportedly being cared for by a family member.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Serious Banana Crème Pie Shortage Now Looming, Scientists Say

2010-08-19T11:42:00.001-07:00

Forklift Removes Cat From Home Filled With Toilet Paper Rolls

2010-08-17T09:58:00.001-07:00

Cat Who Fell Asleep On The Job Given Raise, New Office

2010-08-16T09:50:00.001-07:00

Mountlake Terrace, WA

Edwin T. Roundbelly, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair is a popular customer service agent for Premera Blue Cross and is well loved by other employees.

It seems as though he must have had a busy night because the next day he was caught sleeping on the job.

During Friday’s busiest customer service complaint and “escalation” hour, Supervisors caught Edwin asleep in the middle of a phone call.

Premera Blue Cross has always been known for their excellence in customer service

When he woke up, his boss and immediate supervisors were standing above him, applauding. Other associates cheered him on from their respective cubicles, where one was frantically carving a giant swan ice sculpture in his honor.

“He just does such a great job here,” said boss Hucklepuss, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “He exemplifies the honesty, mission, and core values of our Customer Service Department.”

Customer Service is a tough job that can push the body and soul to its very limits. Some agents are emotionally drained and sometimes dehydrated during the grueling two hour work day.

Boss Hucklepuss said Edwin could ignore callers “…like no one else."

“Our job here is to put the customers on hold, transfer them around, or just generally confuse them until they hang up,” said one cheerful employee. “For him to be able to squeeze in a nap during a call is a fine accomplishment.”

Generation after generation of Americans have given special meaning to the term customer service agent. Boss Hucklepuss said Edwin embodies the most important quality of all, apathy.

Asked how he managed to do his job so well, Edwin stated, “It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that I don't care.”

His new office has not been redecorated in 17 years

For his accomplishments Edwin was given a fully furnished corner office with a partial view of a Taco Bell. The office includes 25% shared rights to a mini-fridge, a small bathroom and part of a closet.

Additionally, he was given a 2.1% raise, and the guarantee that sometime in the future he could possibly get stock options.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Mosquitoes Carrying Fashionable Handbags Found In Washington State

2010-08-14T19:36:00.001-07:00

Seattle, WA

For the first time this summer, mosquitoes carrying high-end purses have been discovered, public health authorities reported yesterday.

The insects, who were previously thought to not be able to afford such high quality handbags, were seen shopping in a Queen Anne neighborhood.

The sightings indicate what economists have been hoping for, an upsurge in mosquito employment and a reduction in weekly mosquito unemployment claims.

“We’re always concerned when we hear about mosquitoes carrying anything,“ said Chunk

“With the hot summer weather finally here there is so much work to be had,” said Bianca, a 4-week-old Mosquito. “I got a great job at Luther Burbank Park biting swimmers.”

Bianca said she used to lay her eggs in puddles or lakes, but now can afford to lay them in a ceramic tiled swimming pool in her own backyard and said she has the extra money to buy fancy purses for the first time since the recession hit.

“We’re always concerned when we hear about mosquitoes carrying anything,“ said Chunk, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, who is the director of communicable diseases at the Seattle Public Health Department.

Bianca said she’d previously never been able to afford a Prada handbag

In June the city had placed pesticide in catch basins and sprayed large suburban areas to control mosquitoes and as a result many mosquitoes lost their jobs since they were unable to report to work.

The spraying resulted in an 80% reduction in the mosquito workforce and created hard times for many mosquito families, some of whom were forced to go on the state WIC program to feed their larvae.

There are about 35,000 mosquito families living in the greater Seattle area. In some families, females work day shifts biting animals while the males care for pupa and later work the night shift biting hillbillies.

Pesticide use in parks reduced the number of humans found at any given time, which resulted in many mosquitoes being unfairly layed off

“My neighbor’s husband lost his job biting campers in June,” said Jenny, a 6-week-old Mosquito. “He got addicted to lollipops and just sat around on the sofa all day doing nothing.”

With mosquito spending up and unemployment claims down, the future is finally looking bright again for middle-class mosquitoes.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Brain Scans May Reveal Early Acorn Addiction, Study Finds

2010-08-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

Squirrels with a family history of acorn addiction have clumps of a specific protein in their brains that acts as a detector to those prone to become addicts themselves later in life, University of Washington researchers said Thursday.

Current treatments cannot reverse the course of acorn addiction, a mind-robbing form of dementia that affects more than 26 million squirrels globally.

Findings could lead to new ways for potential employers to identify which squirrels would be most likely to develop an acorn addiction, which could prove useful to employers hoping to “weed out” potential problem employees.

Lump heads a human resources development team currently studying addiction behavior in squirrels

"The hope is to one day be able to detect an acorn addiction in an employee before any symptoms occur, so we don‘t get in trouble for firing them later on,“ said Lupus, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair.

The team wants to continue to follow the squirrels used in the study to see whether they develop acorn addictions and plan to replicate the findings in a much larger study.

“Anyone who has ever worked with a squirrel knows that if they have (an acorn) addiction) they become preoccupied,” said Tubby, a 9-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold who is a human resources director. “It’s very disruptive to the workplace if someone is constantly burying and digging up acorns all day.”

“It’s very disruptive to the workplace if someone is constantly burying and digging up acorns all day” employers say

Researchers say teams are working on ways to detect early-stage acorn, and even peanut addiction, in the hopes of developing drugs that can fight it before it causes excessive damage to impulse control.

“A squirrel who has an acorn addiction cannot hold down a job,” said one researcher. “They are not capable of following their own train of thought, are known to steal office supplies, and often call in sick.”

The team imaged the brains of 50 squirrels with an average age of 6, all with healthy functions. Of these, 49 squirrels had mothers who were addicted to acorns. 49had fathers with the disease, and 1 had parents with healthy brain function.

“A squirrel with an acorn problem is a danger to others” researchers say

Brain scans of all 50 showed that those whose parents were acorn addicts were more likely to have the specific plaques in their brains, indicating a near-certain future of acorn addiction for them.

The finding confirms other studies that suggest having oak trees in their yards may also be a risk factor.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Additional Airports To Get Hot Nacho Cheese Pumps, Feds Say

2010-08-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

The federal government is set to deploy new stainless steel nacho cheese pump dispensers to over 35 airports across the United States beginning this week according to a press release.

Nacho cheese pump dispensers already are in use at some airports as a way of keeping cheese consistently hot and smooth for nacho preparation, according the Department of Homeland Security.

Under existing protocols, hot cheese is optional at airport snack bars when ordering nachos. Travelers who decline hot cheese are given a side of jalapeño peppers and are then funneled to a location where they may be given a security screening or pat down to search for explosives.

Feds say the new stainless steel three quart capacity pumps serve cheese consistently and smoothly

The TSA said most cats prefer a nice pat down to a body scan. Others have objected to the body scans, calling them electronic strip searches.

Privacy for those who do not want cheese is maintained during the scanning process by blurring images, deleting images after they are viewed, and placing the screener viewing the images in a remote location, according to DHS officials.

“If you don’t like hot cheese on your chips, that’s your business,” said a TSA staffer. “All data and images collected during routine searches will be kept confidential.”

Frasier, who travels often for business, is very excited about the new cheese dispensers

The new sanitary stainless steel pump has a three quart capacity and disassembles for easy cleaning. The Transportation Security Administration said they expect to deploy some 450 new units to snack bars by the end of 2010.

"By streamlining the delivery of hot cheese, we are enhancing our capability to serve and satisfy those want hot nachos at airports across the nation," said one official.

“Nobody likes cold nacho cheese,” said Frasier, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “I travel often and believe me, consistency in nachos is huge for me. I’m happy about (the new machines).”

This snack bar is said to be receiving one of the first new nacho cheese dispensers on the east coast

The first of the new units are being installed Friday at a snack bar in Seattle's Sea-Tac International Airport, which also sells hot pretzels, corn dogs, and sno-cones, according to a DHS statement.

“The new pump will catch customers’ eyes and put the irresistible smell and lure of nachos front and center in their mind,” said a DHS staffer. “Travelers will be happy and satisfied. Also, the cheese will be neatly dispensed, saving vendors time and money."

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Cat Beaten In Bar Fight Over Pretzel

2010-08-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

Local Cat Says He Is Finally Free From A Life Of Static Cling

2010-08-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today has come forward to open up about his lifelong battle with static cling.

Chippy, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, said he has been fighting a battle both “public and private” with static cling that began the first time he decided to wash his clothes.

“I remember I took my fleece jacket out of the dryer and it just stuck to me,” said Chippy. “At first I thought it was funny and stuck socks all over myself. But (the static) never went away.”

Chippy said Target was where he encountered the worst static shocks

Chippy said eventually he and his clothing became so static-ridden that he began to received life-altering shocks when touching certain objects in stores that left him with a stutter so bad he could no longer sing ABBA songs in the shower.

“Target, I couldn’t go into Target,” Chippy recounted. “I got bad shocks every time I went near a metal display rack. Other stores too, but Target was the worst.”

Chippy said he would sit in the parking lot for hours sweating and debating whether or not to risk the shocks to go buy his peanut butter.

Chippy said he would “beg and pray” for the static to go away

“I didn’t ask for this,” Chippy said. “I was plagued by static cling. Often times I’d be at a party and realize my underpants were riding up (my butt), it was horrifying.”

Chippy reportedly attended more than 4 support groups for survivors of and cats currently living with static cling before a group of close friends staged an intervention and presented him with a can of Static Guard.

Chippy said everywhere he went items flew off the shelves and stuck to his body. "It became very embarrassing," he said.

Chippy said it is easy to use on skirts, dresses, and lingerie, and prevents static cling all day.

“All of a sudden I was free,” Chippy said, choked up at the fond memory. “I thought I would have to spend the rest of my life that way, I honestly had no idea there was a cure.”

Today, there are over 44,000 cats in treatment for problems stemming from static cling issues at any given time.

Some seek treatment for a minimum of three months; others end up staying longer, depending on their recovery.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

1 Donut Dead In Street Fight Outside Local Bakery

2010-08-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A Powdered Sugar Coated Raspberry Jelly-Filled Donut named Jack was killed today outside the bakery where he had lived for more than 9 hours. Two others were injured in the skirmish.

The fight started in the bakery area of a Safeway store after one cat allegedly grabbed another cat’s donut and ended outside with the donut being run over by a truck, according to police.

An apple fritter, who did not want to be identified, overheard the argument that sparked the fight said the two cats were fighting over the last maple bar.

Witnesses said Speedbump was “adamant and sincere” about his claim to the last maple bar

After the fight, a 7-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Speedbump got into a white Ford F-150 pickup and ran over the donut of the cat with whom he had fought, before driving away, police said.

Witnesses noted the vehicle description and license plate number.

The donut suffered massive cranial injuries and was bleeding, but was alert and still breathing when police arrived.

This apple fritter said he saw the altercation from the shelf where he lived

The other cat involved in the fight, Noodles, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair, appeared "very intoxicated" and had maple bar-type icing smeared on his mouth and head, wounds that resulted from the fight, according to police.

Noodles was taken by ambulance to a local hospital where he was treated for non-life threatening injuries and given another donut, police said.

Witnesses said the cats suddenly started fighting. "Next thing I know, that donut was laying flat on the street," a witness said, adding that the donut was bleeding from his head.

This cat saw the donut smashed on the ground “It was sad…” he said

More than five police cars and an ambulance responded to the incident.

Paramedics at the scene stated they tried to put the jelly back into the donut, but were unsuccessful and it died at the scene.

Speedbump was arrested at his home about an hour after the fight on charges of assault and battery on a donut, one count of assault and battery with a motor vehicle, leaving the scene of a personal injury accident, and murder in the second degree.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Dead Donut Photos By Me

Missing McDonald’s Value Meal Apparent Victims Of Hit And Run, Police Say

2010-08-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

The bodies of a McDonald’s Value Meal, who mysteriously disappeared last weekend, were found crushed in the road on a murky afternoon in Lynnwood yesterday, a sad ending to one cat’s heart-wrenching search for an answer.

Officials are awaiting autopsy results to officially identify the meal, but wrappers indicate it was a Big ‘N Tasty Meal, complete with french fries, ketchup packets, and extra salt. They even found a napkin, police stated.

Forensic examiners on the scene used tire tread marks and ketchup spatter patterns to determine the cause of death as hit and run. The bodies were seen and reported to police by a local cat while out walking his dog, who had no comment.

Geronimo has been “devastated and hungry” since the meal abandoned him at the park

The meal had been reported missing last Sunday afternoon, when a local cat who had been about to eat the meal on a picnic table in Lynndale Park said the entrees “suddenly all darted off the table at once and fled into the woods.”

Geronimo, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, said he was very hungry at the time and wondered what he’d done to spark (the meal's) ire. “Even the ketchup packets left,” he said.

Left sitting at the table alone with no lunch, Geronimo said he began to cry, wondering what he had done to cause them to flee. After a short time he became concerned and notified Lynnwood Police.

The McDonald’s Meal reportedly ran off this wood and concrete picnic table and ran off into the surrounding woods

Detectives said yesterday that the discovery of the meal was the end of an exhaustive search that covered most of Edmonds, Mukilteo, and Lynnwood, including boat ramps, harbors, and streams throughout the area.

No evidence from that afternoon could point them in any direction as to where the freshly cooked meal might have fled.

About 20 cats gathered at the scene yesterday to watch officials scrape the remains of the McDonald‘s meal off the wet pavement.

Witnesses silently watched the remains of the Meal being removed from the grisly, salty, crime scene

“It’s very sad, but at least Geronimo finally has closure,“ said a neighbor, who also stated that since the meal’s disappearance, Geronimo had refused to eat anything at all, for fear of it too, running away.

Police said the investigation is being treated as vehicular manslaughter, and that he could only speculate as to what happened during the time in between when the meal went missing and the time the bodies were discovered. “It’s possible (the McDonald’s Value Meal) were just all huddled together somewhere, trying not to get eaten.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Bored Seals Exhibit Higher Risk-Seeking Behavior, Study Finds

2010-07-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Magnolia Beach, WA

Bored seals are at high risk for depression, anxiety, drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, and eating disorders according to a study out of the University of Washington.

Harbor Seals are commonly found lazing on beaches and rocks in coastal waters of the Pacific Northwest, they tend to live in and stick to common grounds, making them an easy subject to study.

Living near a steady supply of fish to eat makes seals grow lethargic and bored, according to the study.

Janice said she used to enjoy watching seals play and frolic on the beach outside her home until their behavior grew questionable

Males used to fight over mates underwater, but now simply play games against each other on Wii and when this behavior gets tiresome the seals look for adventure elsewhere.

“I used to love to watch seals playing on the beach,” said Janice, a 7-year-old Calico. “Now they come up to the door and ask me to place online bets for them. “(It’s) disgusting,” she said.

According to researchers, bored seals often begin to indulge in risky activities. These activities might include online gambling, streaking, or base jumping, pursuits they adopt in an attempt to deal with boredom.

Like chronically bored but healthy cats, they need far bigger “hits” of laughter and pleasure to find fun in their daily lives

"Now instead of one cup of coffee doing it, I need a triple espresso to get me going," said Tex, a 13-year-old Harbor Seal. "Anything that used to give me pleasure doesn’t work anymore."

Being pinnipeds, seals lack legs and cannot walk far, ride bicycles, or drive cars to places where they might otherwise find entertainment, as a result, they may turn to activities like doing drugs.

Researchers said drug use is common for seals who are bored. They tend to abuse drugs during down times, when they would normally otherwise be doing something useful, like working or napping.

This seal’s drug-seeking behavior quickly landed him in jail, and represents a growing problem among pups

“With seal unemployment at an all time high of 85% there is bound to be an upsurge in high-risk behavior,” said Jerome, a 22-year-old Harbor Seal who lost his job at an aquarium in May.

Bored seals also ended to score low on tests measuring self-awareness. Seals with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD) were also more likely to be bored, as are those who cannot operate a remote control.

Researchers said they hope this study will help bring attention to the plight of the Harbor Seals and draw assistance from state and local governments to develop work-education programs in the future.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Top photo copyright Steven Thompson

LOLdogs Not Funny, LOLcats Say

2010-07-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

A poll conducted by a group of independent LOLcats purports to claim LOLdogs are not funny.

The cats spent the past 4 weeks beating people up and forcing them to vote the way they wanted them to. They compiled their data and the results were exactly as they had hypothesized.

LOLcats are any variety of an image or meme of a cat with text superimposed on the photo to make a statement, joke, or observation as the cat might “think it.”

The LOLcat above, is clearly hilarious, but not if a dog does it

LOLcats were first drawn by paleolithic hunters who painted images of Ceiling Cat and others in caves, a sort of prehistoric chat room, some 15-19,000 years ago.

Most of the major LOLcat memes were painted using mineral pigments, although some were etched into stone. Many images are too faint to discern, while others have deteriorated.

LOLdog detractors who claim the LOLcat language is primitive are clearly not aware of new evidence pointing to the Indo-European origin of LOLspeak.

Jaundice argued it was basically a civil rights issue to have LOLdogs, since LOLcats had become so popular

There is now evidence Gaius Julius Caesar himself in 55 BCE typed a "Youz tuz, Brute?" status update on his Facebook page just after Brutus fragged him.

Some say LOLcats have gotten out of hand, but they also have given rise to the LOLdog phenomenon.

“LOLdogs are just a fad that caught on because dog people were jealous," said Jaundice, an 8-year-old spayed Domestic Short Hair. "But it just doesn’t carry over well. It’s just not funny. LOLdogs are not funny," she stated.

Peter said “there is no humor in being stupid"

Indeed, when beaten, gagged, tied up and forced to look at side-by-side comparisons of LOLcats and LOLdogs, most agree LOLdogs are not funny.

“We have to just be honest with each other. Dogs are stupid,” said Peter, a 5-year-old neutered Russian Blue from Seattle. "There is no humor in being stupid," he said.

Until the dispute is settled, LOLdogs will still claim LOL rights and argue about who came first on the LOL scene. Luckily, there is a plethora of well documented evidence, both fossil and in written historical records, favoring the solid historical pre-presence of the LOLcat.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Search And Rescue Underway For Missing Ball Of Yarn

2010-07-24T17:35:00.001-07:00

Mt. Baker, WA

A Search and Rescue team of over 19 cats from all over the Mount Baker area has been assembled in a wooded area of the state park this afternoon after two brothers reported a ball of yarn missing.

The yarn in question, soft, and yellow, was a little larger than a tennis ball in size and said to have been tightly wound together.

One of the brothers, Fizzer, an 11-month-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair said that while playing, he batted (the yarn) with his paw and in a fit of rage the yarn stormed off a picnic table and ran off into the woods.

The much-loved yellow ball of missing yarn

The second brother, Figgs, also an 11-month-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, said it was the last time they saw the ball of yarn.

“We had been playing with it all morning.” Figgs stated, “It was really soft and had catnip on it. I'm really sad, but I have high hopes they will find it.”

The ball of yarn was seen by a camper who was barbecuing chicken wings as it rolled past her tent and through some leaves and tore up into the snowy woods behind the campsites.

Oatmeal said the yarn "looked mad"

“You could tell it wasn’t going to be coming back anytime soon.” said Oatmeal, a 7-year-old, spayed Burmese. Oatmeal said she often saw the boys playing with the yarn. “It looked mad," she said.

The search party was called together by a U.S. Forest Service team. A full description of the ball of yarn was given to search and rescue leaders by Figgs, who was being consoled by officers with peanut butter.

“Soft, yellow, and of a thick type.” said a witness, “I saw it too, regrettably, I didn’t realize what had happened or I might have tried to intervene.”

The brothers, Fizzer and Figgs, as seen in happier days

Rescue workers plan to work well into the evening and for the rest of the weekend if needed to find and return the ball of yarn.

Fellow campers and family members agreed to assist and gathered food and drink for the rescue workers to eat during breaks in shifts. One rescue worker said sometimes toys get a mind of their own and decide to run "if an opportunity presents itself or if (the toy) is provoked."

Search and Rescue workers have reported the missing yarn’s description to State and Local Police Departments in the hope of creating a county-wide search net.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

More And More Corgis Say They Face Discrimination At Work

2010-07-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

A new poll has revealed many Corgis feel they are regularly discriminated against at work.

The Washington State Unemployment Department released data showing a spike in claims filed by Corgis who said they were “openly discriminated against” in the workplace due to their cuteness and height.

The poll also revealed when applying for jobs, many Corgis do not get past the interview stage of a job once they have mentioned that they are a Corgi. Others complained they lost their jobs once their condition was known.

Many Corgis lost their jobs because employers said their adorable and cuddly presence made it hard for others to concentrate

“Their ears make them very cute and distracting,” said an employer who admitted he had let a Corgi go in the past. “There was too much petting going on and not enough work, I had no choice.”

Some Corgis said they prefer not to mention their breed at all on an application form, as they think it may jeopardize their chances of being given an interview.

Muffin, a 2-year-old, neutered, Pembroke Welsh Corgi currently works at Mr. Big & Tall in Alderwood. “When tall dogs come in to buy clothing they laugh at me,” he said. “Sometimes they pick me up and put me on top of the displays and leave me there so I can’t get down.”

Professor Gambit has studied dog employment statistics for nearly 12 years

One Corgi who did not give his name said he was employed as an escort, but was eventually let go because his boss said females prefer “taller” dogs when seeking a mate.

"Height is ideal, even for dogs,“ said former professor Gambit, a 15-year-old Sphinx who works for an employment agency. “It is unfortunate, but research has shown that taller dogs get more treats,” He added, “They are perceived as stronger and usually get paid more.”

Some Corgis said they try to “dress down” when applying for jobs in an attempt to not appear cute and cuddly, but still many bosses are unwilling to employ them.

Jango has recently sought cognitive behavioral therapy for treatment of his Napoleon complex

Jango, a 7-year-old Pembroke Welsh Corgi worked as a bouncer and was consistently laughed at and told he had "such a cute little bottom.”

Jango has finally admitted he suffers from a Napoleon complex brought on by years of systematic abuse and petting from clients.

Now the state is set to focus attention on raising awareness that being a Corgi need not be a bar to employment. Tens of thousands of leaflets will be dispatched to employers, employees and job seekers giving a comprehensive guide to Corgis and work.

(Dedicated to little Noelle Roelle)

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Answers To Donut-Stress Link Lie In Amygdala, Study Finds

2010-07-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

The long held hypothesis that cats under stress ate more donuts than cats not under stress has been debunked today, according to an article published in the journal Nature.

A scientist from the University of Washington conducted a longitudinal study of over 500 cats for 12 years who worked for the US Post Office and found major differences in brain morphology.

When stressed, the brain’s stress center, the amygdala enlarges dramatically. The swelling taxes an area of the brain called the hippocampus, which is responsible for learning and memory and can actually cause it to shrink.

Jackson said emerging evidence links donut eating not to stress but to the shape of the amygdala

Scientists once believed cats under stress craved donuts as a simple biological “numbing” reaction to both the stressor and the swelling of the hippocampus, causing them to abandon reason and pig out.

Recent EEG and CAT scans done on the study’s participants showed cats who were stressed ate donuts not because of the stress, but because they had a amygdala shaped like a French Cruller.

“Normally, the amygdala is shaped like an almond,” said Jackson, the 19-year-old Domestic Short Hair who wrote the paper. “The amygdala’s job is to create a stress response, but we never expected to find a case where it triggers donut eating.”

The amygdala in the donut eating cats was oddly shaped like a French Cruller

In the experiment, cats were stressed and tested while hooked up to machines measuring responses in the brain, they were then sent to the cafeteria, where in a type of blind study, their lunch choices were monitored, unbeknownst to them.

Cats who were subjected to air horns and beatings but had normal shaped amygdalas chose nothing out of the ordinary.

Cats stressed with aerial bombings and bullwhips but had French Cruller shaped amygdalas chose Apple Fritters, Maple Bars, Bismarks, and even Raspberry-filled, Powdered Sugar Coated Donuts upon entering the cafeteria.

Cats with the genetic defect need to be given special accommodation and access to donuts, regardless of public opinion

According to Jackson, the results of the study could be far reaching.

“Now we may see that some cats have a genetic pre-disposition towards donut addiction,“ he said. “We need to see that these cats have a problem that needs treatment and is not something that should be laughed at or written off.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Washington State Enacts Stringent Law on Grocery Cart Immigration

2010-07-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

Olympia, WA

Washington State, taking after the much debated immigration laws in Arizona, has enacted a law that will allow police to stop any grocery cart and ask for current identification.

The new law requires grocery carts to carry their alien registration documents at all times and requires police to question carts if they suspect they are in a parking lot illegally.

“The (grocery carts) are always trying to leave parking lots, sometimes illegally,” said Max, a 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair who is a supporter of the law. “Parking lot borders are serious things and need to be enforced, violently if necessary.”

Cats rallied in support of the carts, saying they believe it can only lead to racial profiling

“If you don’t stop them, they go wild and end up abandoned in neighborhoods, on sides of roads, or found dead in ditches,” lawmakers said.

But detractors say this type of selective ID checking can only lead to trouble. “I’m so tired of getting pushed around,” said one cart, “this only makes my life harder.”

Cart advocates and the ACLU are concerned the law will foster racial profiling. They argued most police officers don't have enough education or training to know specifically which grocery carts belong to which supermarkets.

“Some grocery carts know their place,” said one supporter of the law, "some don’t.”

“Sometimes you have an area where there is both a Trader Joe’s and an Albertsons sharing one parking lot,” said Max. “The lines are blurred between the territories of red carts and blue carts, it is a fine line we are walking.”

“What are you going to do about a few carts mixing?” said one cat who did not want to give his name. “If a red Trader Joe cart wants to work over at Albertson‘s, why not let him? Why is it okay to ID him just because he is red?”

Police and Federal agencies are now being trained to be able to correctly identify which carts belong to which grocery stores

Some grocery stores use an electrical “lock and shock” mechanism to prevent their own grocery carts from illegally crossing the border into neighboring lands, but activists in the past were up in arms, saying it was a cruel and harmful way to enforce borders.

Lawmakers said ID checks mean an end to “lock and shock” techniques, and will increase prosecutions of employers who knowingly hire illegal grocery carts.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Cat Wanted For Impersonating A Scottish Fold

2010-07-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

Police in Seattle are looking for a cat who pretended to be a Scottish Fold Friday so that she could stop, detain and rob an unsuspecting motorist of his giant cinnamon Elephant Ear pastry.

According to investigators, the robbery occurred Friday between 8:45 and 9 p.m. near the Bite of Seattle.

Police said the victim was driving away in his car when a cat “resembling a Scottish Fold” waved him to the curb.

The victim's accurate description helped lead police to eventually name a suspect

Police said the cat masquerading as a Scottish Fold was actually a husky Tortoise Shell female of approximately 7-10 years of age, weighing 18-20 pounds, who was seen earlier that day taunting small children with her ears turned inside out, a shoddy attempt at disguise.

Believing the assailant was having an emergency, the victim pulled to the shoulder of Mercer street. He was then approached by the cat.

The victim, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Jeff, said the quick driving maneuver caused him to inadvertently smear grease, sugar, and cinnamon on the dashboard and steering wheel of his car.

Police said crimes have been on a steady incline at the Bite of Seattle over the past five years

The assailant was wearing casual clothing but had a police badge, squirt gun and was carrying a portable radio, police said.

The assailant never said what law enforcement agency she represented and eventually told Jeff to exit his car and take his clothes off.

Reports state Jeff complied and was handcuffed. During the search, the assailant took an undisclosed amount of cash and salt packets from the victim’s pants and "violently snatched" the crisp, warm Elephant Ear pastry he had been eating.

A noted two-time felon and Former-Feral "Ramona the Pest" is now sought by police as a suspect

Forensic examination of the car turned up traces of sugar and cinnamon on upholstery and the steering column, confirming the victim’s testimony.

She had a “little bit of a beard and a scar beneath her right eye,” the victim said.

Police said the victim’s accurate description of the assailant led them to believe two-time felon Tortoise Shell Ramona The Pest, who is already wanted for string fraud, could have also committed this crime.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Cat Says He Was Beaten For Being An LOLcat

2010-07-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat says he was beaten and spanked mercilessly by three cats who targeted him out of hate for LOLcats.

The group followed the cat, Jarvis, a 7-month-old, Domestic Short Hair, down 196th Street in Lynnwood about 11:30 p.m. last night, yelling nasty racial slurs and threats at him in an LOLcat dialect.

Jarvis, who is an LOLcat, said he ignored the group until they closed in and then asked why they were teasing him without provocation.

This Ginger cat is a prime suspect in the LOLcat hate crime

The assailants then started beating, biting and wrapping Jarvis up with rolls of toilet paper, he said, leaving him wrapped tightly, immobilized, with several cuts on his head and body and a cheezburger stuffed in his mouth.

Jarvis said because he is so cute, he has been peppered with insults before, but he said he never thought they would escalate to violence.

"I've never felt scared or feared for my safety before," Jarvis said. "You brush it off and walk on. That's what you're taught to do, this time, it didn't work."

Jarvis must wear this body brace while he heals after being wrapped in toilet paper

Lynnwood Police officers said the cats accused of attacking Jarvis are still at large and were last seen in a dark colored 1990’s model Camaro.

Jarvis described them as a “mean-looking Ginger cat around 5 or 6,” and another pair of cats, both a bit older.

Jarvis said he regularly strolls through the neighborhood and did not know his attackers. He stated they might have seen him previously and simply decided to act , he said.

Washington State is one of the few states that now has laws to protect LOLcats

After his trip to the emergency room where he was unwrapped from over 79 feet of double-ply toilet paper, Patrick saw an outpouring of LOLcat support from across the city as his story was passed along via the social networking website Facebook.

Much of the support has been from Cats for Equality, a Seattle-based group that promotes fairness for gays, lesbians, LOLs, bisexuals and transgender cats.

A just-passed Washington State LOLcat hate-crime law now makes it a crime to "intimidate or harass a cat because of the cat's race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin or disability” in the hopes this does not continue.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Brave NETFLIX Envelope Narrowly Escapes Death

2010-07-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A NETFLIX envelope who was attacked by a U.S. Postal employee says he lived only because the postal worker dropped him after he punched it repeatedly in the mouth.

Chester, a 6-month-old, red and white DVD Mailing Envelope, is recovering in the hospital from top and corner injuries. He had an operation on his flap and is awaiting surgery on his seam. He told reporters he thought he was moments from death during the attack, but managed to crawl away to his car and drive home.

Chester, who works for NETFLIX, was taking a walk in the woods near his home with his boyfriend Donovan, when he says a postal worker in a blue shirt and short pants suddenly charged at him, snorting and grunting.

Boyfriend Donovan fled the scene and watched the event unfold while safely hidden under a car

Donovan, a 9-year-old, neutered, White Persian, said he "...peed himself a little," then ran away and hid under their car, terrified.

Chester said he managed to climb up a nearby tree, but the postal worker cornered him. “I turned around and just saw (his) big face looking at me,” he said.

The envelope bravely recalled “kicking the postal worker's nose” which caused it to retreat, but said it only grew angrier and attacked again. Chester said it grabbed his upper right red corner and flung him into a dirt pile.

Postal workers are said to be very dangerous, can carry numerous diseases, and aren’t paid very much

“I gave it a really bad paper cut,” Chester said. “It drew a lot of blood, (the postal worker) really winced.” Chester said he then fell to the ground and was briefly knocked out.

After regaining consciousness, despite a torn corner, a broken seal, and an illegible to-and-from address, Chester managed to crawl back to his car and get inside. Donovan also climbed into the vehicle and drove them to Steven’s Hospital.

Chester’s sister, Harriett, a 9-month-old, blue and yellow Mailing Envelope who works for Blockbuster Video, was in awe of his brave survival.

Donovan, who is a total wuss, said “courage has never been one of my stronger qualities…”

“We're a very lucky family to have him still with us," she said. “When the doctor’s first started to tell me, well…I thought he was licked for sure, but he triumphed.”

"It was a pretty big postal worker,“ Chester said from the safety of his hospital bed. “I thought I was dead…I thought that was the end of my life and all I could do was try to fight, stay alive or whatever.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Feral Cat Photo by Paul Chang, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Study Finds Depression Common In Raccoons Receiving Welfare

2010-07-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

A new study indicates single raccoon mothers of young kits receiving welfare are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, yet do not receive the mental health treatment they need.

The study looked at factors in the raccoon's lives that contributed to depressive symptoms, and examined whether these symptoms prevented the raccoons from gaining employment and becoming independent from welfare.

Penny, an 8-year-old North American Raccoon said she worked the night shift assembling 747 engines at Boeing until she gave birth to 4 young kits. She was laid off the next day.

A sub-prime mortgage and no job forced Penny and her kits into a cardboard box

“Male raccoons take no part in raising young, so that pretty much left me to fend for all of us,” Penny said. “We had a sub-prime mortgage too, so we lost our big Cedar Tree.”

Penny said she and her kits now live out of a one bedroom cardboard box in suburban Kent and make ends meet by eating cat food and selling candy bars door to door during the evening hours.

One challenge facing welfare agencies is to identify barriers to finding quality employment. One such barrier, being nocturnal, is high among low-income single raccoons, reports stated.

“I cry a lot,” admitted Penny

Forty percent of the raccoons reported symptom levels that would likely indicate a diagnosis of clinical depression, yet few had received any mental health services.

“I went into a doctor’s office once looking for psychological help and everyone ran out, screaming,” said Cassandra, a 12-year-old North American Raccoon. “Cats from Fish & Wildlife came and took me away and locked me up.”

Significantly higher levels of depressive symptoms were found in raccoons who had more than 4 kits, were forced to live more than 50 yards from a water source, and had no access to apple fritters.

Cassandra, who worked in a hair salon until she lost her job, sought professional help - but was incarcerated instead

Socio-demographic information about each raccoon was obtained from a questionnaire filled out along with the state welfare application.

While symptoms of depression did not affect the likelihood of going bowling or participating in food dousing activities, raccoons with more depressive symptoms were less likely to leave welfare over the two-year period.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Pug Caught Playing With Dolls Arrested, Again

2010-07-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A dog who allegedly videotaped a friend playing with a My Little Pony doll at his home in Seattle back in 2005 is now accused of playing with Barbie Dolls in Edmonds.

Poindexter, a 3-year-old, neutered Pug, was arrested and charged Thursday night on 4 counts of playing with dolls, a Class 3 felony in Washington State. Big Poppa, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair cat who lives with Poindexter in the Edmonds suburb, was also charged with 2 counts of the same crime.

“This is one of the most upsetting days I've ever dealt with,” Snohomish County Sheriff Brian, a 4-year veteran of the force said in a statement to the press.

Big Poppa was not afraid to hide his love for dolls in the crudely-made home videos police discovered

Poindexter and Big Poppa are each being held on more than $100,000 bail in the Snohomish County Jail.

According to an arrest warrant, Poindexter engaged in role-playing acts with Barbie, Bratz, and even Polly Pocket dolls at the home over a span of several months.

A complaint from a concerned cneighbor prompted an investigation. A cat reportedly saw Poindexter playing excitedly in the front yard with the dolls, even “mimicking girly voices” the witness said, and promptly e-mailed investigators a camera photo of the Pug, who appeared to be having a tea party with the dolls.

Police confiscated this dollhouse and others like it at the suspects’ home

Authorities acting on the tip quickly went to the property, which detectives said is situated only one mile away from a toy shop, and found an entire cache of Barbie and Bratz dolls, furniture, play houses, quilts, and clothing.

Detectives said it appeared the two males had been having “serious tea, pool, and other parties with the Barbies and other dolls in recent weeks.”

Reports said authorities recovered thousands of pictures of Poindexter engaging himself in the play, even going so far as to “dress himself up in pink, frilly aprons and hats, serving food and snacks to the inanimate, plastic dolls.”

Poindexter has entered an “Alford plea” in the hopes of saving his name

"This is not over, more charges are coming," police said. "They've been having tea parties with dolls," detectives told The Gazette. "(Poindexter) has been here for four years and it looks like this has been going on for some time, he ought to be ashamed, a grown dog playing with dolls like that.”

Back in 2005, Poindexter was identified by police as having made multiple videotapes of himself and his cat friend Big Poppa ‘playing horsey’ and having sleepovers with My Little Pony dolls, authorities said.

Poindexter appeared in court Friday and entered an Alford plea, a type of "not guilty" plea meaning he did not admit guilt but acknowledged a jury likely would convict him if he went to court.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Giant Marshmallow Farmers To Use Falcons To Thwart Pesky Campers

2010-07-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Sequim, WA

Farmer Eric, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, smiled as he watched a falcon circle his crop.

Eric is one of 17 Giant Marshmallow farmers nationwide who signed up for a program, approved by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, that allows the use of predator birds to control wild Campers that damage or forage on the marshmallows.

The original habitats of the North American Camper are deciduous and mixed forests, but due to their adaptability they have extended their range to mountainous areas, river banks, and rural areas, where marshmallow farmers consider them to be pests.

Eric said he has high hopes the raptors will protect his Giant Marshmallow crop this year

"Campers are tricky,” Eric said. “They tend to be nocturnal. We know they have been here when we find discarded chocolate wrappers, sticks, and graham cracker crumbs in our fields. Sometimes they start fires, too. It’s a huge problem.”

Though previously thought to be solitary, there is now evidence that Campers engage in gender-specific social behavior.

Related females often share a common area, called a tent, where stores of scavenged beer and hot dogs are kept, while unrelated males live together in groups of up to four to maintain their positions against foreign males during the mating season and other potential invaders.

Wild Campers are dangerous and tend to set up their dens near running water

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is now beta testing the raptors in the hopes of scaring off the campers, who generally remain in the same areas year-round, but their prevalence depends on a variety of weather conditions.

“In many ways, (using raptors) is probably more environmentally sound than other methods we might use, like murder," said Ginger, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair who has been growing Giant Marshmallows in Sequim for years.

Giant Marshmallow farmers have long battled campers and sometimes even Hikers, who damage or forage on their crops, causing an estimated $900 million in damage in one year, according to a 2009 report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Campers have caused more than $900 million in damage in one year, reports say

Farmers hope using the raptors will confuse and scare Campers, sending them off in another direction or possibly to a grocery store to procure marshmallows, thus saving the farmers money and time in this tough economy.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Fourth Of July Sale Makes Fleas More Affordable

2010-07-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

With unemployment at 9.5%, its highest rate in nearly 29 years, many cats and kittens are having trouble affording this season's hottest accessory, fleas.

It's summer, and everyone who is anyone is into fleas. They are portable, terrifying to humans, and thanks to a special sale, an affordable status symbol now readily available to every cat.

"What's a cat to do on a hot and sweaty day with no fleas?" Asked Jacob, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. "It's just not American."

Fleas are all the rage this season

Luckily, Lynnwood Veterinary Center has the answer to the summer blues. Fleas are on sale for a limited time in a buy six get one free deal.

"I'm so excited," said Barley, a 5-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold from Mukilteo. "All my friends are sitting around scratching like crazy, but me? Well, until now I couldn't afford any," Barley said. "Now I'll be cool like all my friends!"

Among the benefits of having fleas this season is the fact that humans who know you have them will stay far clear of you and will not waste time acting like asses trying to dress you up in retarded outfits.

Recently laid-off Jonathan is happy to now be able to afford fleas

"I was fired from my job in May," said Jonathan, a 3-year-old, neutered, Siamese. "I sold all my DVDs on craigslist just so I could get some fleas...I'm elated!"

Jonathan is not alone in his excitement over the flea sale. Some cats reported driving all the way from Oregon to get in on the exclusive pricing.

"In Seaside, where I live, fleas are all the rage," said Jasmine, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair who brought along her momcat for the ride. "If you're not scratching, you're not hip."

The store has extended its hours to help serve the demand for fleas

Representatives from the store said the fleas are the genuine article and to beware of imitations or copycat brand name fleas being hocked at cheaper prices.

The sale began today in celebration of Independence Day and is expected to continue while supplies last.

Reservations are being taken by phone for custom flea placement at 425.420.FLEA. Hours have been extended to meet the high demand for summer fleas.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Turkey Files Lawsuit Against Employer Over Racial Slur

2010-07-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

Marysville, WA

A Turkey from Marysville has sued Wal-Mart in federal court, alleging that a coworker at the store where he worked referred to him as a “dumb turkey” and made racial remarks about his species’ supposed inability to fly.

Jack, a 3-year-old Domestic Turkey, filed the complaint this morning in U.S. District Court.

Jack said he was restocking shelves at the Marysville store where he worked part time and was laughing at a joke a fellow employee told him when a cat turned to him and said “shut up, you dumb turkey.”

Maggie was sent home after calling her coworker a “dumb turkey”

The cat, a 5-year-old spayed Tortoise Shell named Maggie, was spanked and sent home from work after the comment was made. Maggie had worked at Wal-Mart for almost a year without incident.

For Wal-Mart, which has built a fragile trust among minority communities, this comes only months after an incident at a New Jersey Wal-Mart store where a Pygmy Goat came over the PA system and announced “Attention, Wal-Mart customers; all turkeys must leave the building.”

Even with the Civil Rights Movement behind us many Turkeys still face racial discrimination and have long been living with the stigma of being called “dumb.”

The Wal-Mart store in Marysville, where the incident took place

Turkeys in the past have been unfairly portrayed as poor, lazy, very religious, as criminals, and often times as being fans of drinking orange pop and eating waffles.

Court documents say the employee’s comment made Jack feel uncomfortable and depressed. “Not all turkeys are dumb,” he said in a statement. “That is an unfair stereotype.”

He said Maggie had also called him “lazy” in the past and made fun of his inability to fly due to his weight. “I could fly when I was younger,” said Jack. “I have eating issues, that is my business. That (turkeys) can‘t fly is a misconception.”

This turkey alleges he applied for a promotion to management only to be told to “get stuffed” by a manager

Jack is seeking a jury trial with compensatory and punitive damages, attorney fees and an injunction ordering Wal-Mart to require affirmative training and take other steps to ensure other Turkeys are not discriminated against in the same way he was.

Fellow turkeys say they have seen their fair share of discrimination in the past, but say they fear taking action would cause them to lose their jobs.

The EEO sued the company in May 2009, claiming some Vampire Bat employees were subjected to a hostile work environment. That suit alleged managers failed to stop repeated verbal harassment, including the use of the term “bat-shit crazy” against employees of Chiropterian descent.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Maggie Photo: Thanks to Anthony of Issaquah, WA

Cat Repellent Spray Successfully Fails Consumer Testing

2010-06-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

In yet another attempt to keep cats from urinating on freshly planted gardens, new furniture, clothing, and sinks, the Humans have completed first-round testing on a new brand of cat repellent spray. The spray backfired in routine consumer testing and served instead as an attractant.

There are few sure-fire cat repellents shown thus far to have any usefulness in the Human world. Many different scented formulas have been tried and ultimately failed, leaving humans in a frustrated tizzy.

“I love to pee on the kitchen counter.” said Cornbread, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair, neutered male from Sequim. “There is something about it. (The Human) wakes up and goes for that first cuppa joe and wham! They get hit with serious stink. That is classic, man. Then they throw me out the door, which is exactly what I want!”

Cornbread favors peeing on the kitchen counter

The new formula, “Bad Kitty” is said to be a mixture of Listerine, pickle juice, crushed lemon Sweet-Tarts, and Mountain Dew. It comes in an 8 ounce and a 16 ounce spray bottle and was invented in a laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland. Sources say that the formula was four years in the making.

Consumers were chosen at random to test the new product for the American market. The results were staggering to scientists. Testing in households with cats who previously peed in sinks and other problem areas reported higher incidences of peeing than ever before.

Testing in control households with cats who never had pee issues reported startling new onsets of random acts of peeing.

"Bad Kitty" is said to come in two base varieties, Listerine, and Lemon-Lime

Many Humans try discipline in these types of situations. They keep a close eye on the cat, and when they see the cat about to go in the sink or bathtub, angrily squirt him (or her) with water from a bottle or squirt gun.

One Human reportedly resorted to using a blast from a boat air horn to deter a cat from peeing in a sink, until he was kicked out of his apartment in a fit of rage by his landlord.

“My owner tried a sour apple spray to keep me from peeing in the sink, and I stopped for a while, too.” said Moses, a 3-year-old, spayed, Tortoise Shell female from Bothell, “This new stuff they got though, it is awesome! The odd smells just made me feel like peeing. I really like peeing in the sink.”

Moses said “I… like peeing in the sink.”

Benjamin, a 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair male from Burien, said the repellent smells so good to him that he actually sits in the bathtub and waits for the urge. “The stuff is like crack.” Benjamin said, “I will actually drink extra water just so I can pee in the tub.”

Most Humans are actually relieved to have a cat pee in the tub or sink, rather than pee on the carpet, bed, or laundry pile. “They really should be thanking us.” said Benjamin, “It is easier to clean the sink than the carpet.”

Regardless, cats everywhere are safe once again due to the abject failure of this latest attempt at manipulation and behavior modification.

Benjamin has become a fan of bathtub peeing

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Caught Picking His Nose In Car Issues Public Apology

2010-06-25T12:04:00.001-07:00

Sequim, WA

A local cat known for his reputation as Sequim's top realtor today issued a formal apology after he was caught picking his nose while seated in his car the previous week.

Police reports state Vito "Don Corleone" Marovilla, a 9-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, was driving home from his office when he stopped at a stoplight on Sequim Avenue.

An anonymous witness reported seeing him "...glance around quickly, then promptly stick a finger fully up his nose, picking it."

This witness saw the entire nose picking incident

In the wake of the incident, Vito tried to relay that the nose picking was, in fact, an accident caused by "unforseen sudden forward acceleration" by his car.

The witness who reported the event stated that once Vito saw he had been caught, he promptly removed his finger and pretended to merely be examining the skin on his nose in the mirror of the car until the light turned green and he drove off, leaving the witness and her three kittens shocked.

"Oh, he was picking his nose, believe you me," the witness said to police. "He had that telling look on his face, and he did it in full view of my three young kittens, all of them were exposed to that behavior."

The incident happened on this public street

While not explicitly admitting to having picked his nose, Vito in a press conference pleaded for privacy in a heartwarming mea culpa.

"I have let my family down and I regret (the act) with all of my heart," Vito said to a crowd. "I have not been true to my values. I am not without fault here and I am far short of perfect."

Vito went on to say that he does not now nor did he ever approve of nose picking in public, regardless of city or state laws.

These two cats were arrested just last month for public nose picking

"I am dealing with my behavior and failings behind closed doors," he stated. "I am very sorry for those who were affected by my shameful behavior."

The witnesses to the dramatic event are said to be in satisfactory condition after being screened by a mental health practicioner.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Seventeen Cats Displaced From Home After Spider Sighting

2010-06-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Mukilteo, WA

Seventeen cats were forced to move from a home in Mukilteo after a spider broke into the home on Sunday evening.

All of the cats were home at the time of the break in, one of whom had to be rescued by firefighters from the roof.

Dame Elenore Clawdia Ryan, a 6-month-old, spayed Domestic Long Hair, was making waffles in the kitchen when a spider with a billy club burst through the sliding glass door and forced its way into the house.

Dame Elenore was in the kitchen when the suspect broke through a sliding glass door

All the residents have since been safely placed in other homes until the spider is apprehended, according to police.

Police and fire officials are looking into the possibility that stale Cheez-Its found in a bedroom on the second floor attracted the spider.

“It appears to have been a big (spider),“ said police in a telephone interview after searching the home in the afternoon. The investigation is ongoing.

Police immediately taped off the area and began an extensive search for the spider

Cactus, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who is a home invasion expert, said he plans to interview residents before making a final determination about plans to allow the cats back into the home.

The homeowner said Cheez-Its are allowed in the home, but not in bedrooms. A cat who was rescued from a third-floor window by firefighters was taken to the hospital to be treated for hunger and shock, officials said.

The cat, who was not identified, is believed to have been eating Cheez-Its in bed.

One of the residents said they had been told numerous times not to eat crackers in bed

“That seems to be the assumption they’re working under," police said. The Fire Department received multiple calls reporting screams in the home starting at 11:21 a.m.

“With the troubled economy, home invasions are becoming more and more commonplace,’’ said an investigator during a press briefing at the scene.

Police said they believe the spider acted alone and that neighbors should continue to feel safe until further notice or until there is proof otherwise.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Special thanks to Jenny Lee Ryan for pics of her newest kitty - Dame Elenore Clawdia Ryan, and in fond memory of the Lady Isadora

Local Cat Admits Failure To Press Elevator Button

2010-06-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, Wa

An Edmonds cat faces a prison term after admitting in court Friday that he failed to press the “up” arrow indicator on the ground floor where he works, forcing himself and others to wait for the next one.

Whifflepants, a 1-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, told police he failed to push the button because he was “distracted by a coworker, who was standing next to (him) eating an apple fritter in plain sight.”

The incident forced eight cats and one Mongolian Gerbil to endure a three to four minute wait while the elevator returned to the ground floor.

Employees lost precious moments of Facebook and Twitter updates while waiting for the next elevator

It all happened at Edmonds City Hall, where only one elevator is in use. The minutes lost to the delayed workers cost them dearly not in terms of time spent working, but updating Facebook, Twitter posts, and shopping online for things like scarves and neat hats.

Police said Whifflepants walked into the lobby from the restroom at approximately 11:53a.m. and becoming distracted, failed to properly push the up button.

Soon after, a 7-year-old coworker named Chicklet stood behind him in wait for the elevator with his secretary and others. As his secretary noticed the up button not lit, she ordered him to do so.

Chicklet’s 23-year-old secretary Lois ordered him to push the up button after the grave error was discovered

When Chicklet attempted to press the button, Whifflepants, embarrassed, blocked his way and assaulted him, claiming to have “already pressed it,” according to a jail booking statement. Whifflepants then fled the scene police said.

City Hall surveillance footage recorded a clear image of Whifflepants standing by the elevator, apparently distracted by the fritter, and clearly not pressing any buttons.

After releasing images to the media, investigators received dozens of calls including an anonymous tip that led them to Whifflepants' former employers, who gave them his address. Officers brought him to the station about 5 p.m. that evening.

City Hall representatives said the elevator button “lights up” when pushed, as a fail-safe indicator

After hours of questioning, Whifflepants admitted to failing to press the button. Police said while Whifflepants admitted to the incident, "he didn't really explain anything more about why he failed to push (the button).”

Whifflepants has no known criminal history, and building officials described the alleged misstep as a crime of opportunity.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Cat Says He Survived Three Days Trapped In Home With No Ketchup

2010-06-18T10:50:00.001-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat who was trapped in his home for 3 days without ketchup survived on orange juice and M&Ms, and scrawled a sad farewell note to his parents before neighbors came to check on him.

Police reports state that Gibson, a 6-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold, had become trapped inside his home due to the omnipresence of a “really big dog who wanted to eat me.”

Scared, he stayed inside where he nearly starved to death due to the fact he had unexpectedly run out of ketchup.

Gibson reportedly told police that after baking a tray of french fries for lunch, he hungrily sprinkled seasoning salt on them, went to the cupboard.

Sadly, someone had put the bottle back into the cupboard empty

"I was absolutely devastated," Gibson said. "There was no ketchup, none. The bottle was there, but it was empty. I honestly didn’t know what to do in that type of situation. I was not prepared.”

Ketchup, sometimes called the “king of condiments,” is considered a staple in the diet of many cats. There are millions who say they too, cannot and will not eat things without it.

"I looked through every drawer and cupboard," Gibson said. "I was hoping to find even just one ketchup packet, something, anything I could even add water to, just so I could at least eat my fries."

Neighbor Molly said she “regrets” thinking it was a joke

Gibson, who has reportedly never eaten french fries without ketchup, called his neighbors to share the sad news, hoping to score a bottle or even a stray ketchup packet.

Sadly, none of his neighbors enjoyed ketchup as much as he did and instead, viciously laughed at him, believing him to be joking, leaving him alone in the house with no ketchup whatsoever.

With no options left, he abandoned the fries, but was shocked to discover the only food items left at his immediate disposal were foods he only enjoyed with ketchup.

Without ketchup, Gibson’s fries were discarded into the trash

“All I had was steak, hot dogs, potato chips, eggs, and stuff for grilled cheese sandwiches, which I cannot eat without ketchup,” he stated.

Neighbors who eventually grew concerned after three days passed without seeing him found Gibson in the bathtub wearing only a scarf. He had lost 20 pounds, surviving only on orange juice, water and a package of peanut M&Ms, police said.

Police found a sad note scribbled in shaky handwriting written by him on the back of a KitKat wrapper to his parents saying goodbye and hoping that the next time they went to the store they remembered to get some ketchup.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Attacked With Stick Of Butter Will Not Press Charges

2010-06-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

Everett, WA

A 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair from Everett named Ralph is facing second degree assault charges after he attacked a co-worker with a stick of Land ’O Lakes Butter.

Ralph and another cat were demolishing a house in Everett, where they work on construction team when Ralph apparently turned on his co-worker, beating him with the butter.

Ralph is accused of hitting him in the face repeatedly and hitting him a number of times on the back of the head with the blunt, wrapped end of the butter stick.

Luckily, the butter had not been refrigerated

The victim, Chad Michael, is a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair originally from Spanaway.

Ralph told police he wanted to “kill Chad” because Chad was “stealing the nails for the nail gun from his pouch and saving his own.”

Everett Police arrested Ralph on the scene of the construction site at 4:00 pm. He is charged with second degree assault and buttery.

Some felt Ralph might have ‘held a grudge’ towards Chad

Police said Ralph waited until Chad took the next to the last set of nails for the nail gun and then jumped him, pulled him into an adjoining room and buttered him.

Chad said he tried fighting Ralph to call 911, but Ralph ate his cellular phone. A co-worker sleeping in the next room heard them and woke up, alerting police.

Chad said he had considered Ralph a friend. They had worked together in the past at a business that sells uniforms, police said. Ralph and Chad had an altercation at one time over a girlfriend, leading some to believe Ralph still held a grudge of some sort.

Prudence said employees are “working through…” the incident

Chad is resting comfortably at Harborview Medical Center. The attack has taken an emotional toll on co-workers, who hugged and consoled each other in the parking lot.

"We have counselors on site and we're trying to work through (the incident)," said Prudence, a representative from the company.

“I’m not going to press charges,” said Chad from his hospital bed. “I have known Ralph a long time. Besides, I really don’t think the charges would stick.”

The investigation is ongoing.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Photos: Random

Local Dog Says Licking The Carpet Made Him Fat

2010-06-12T16:51:00.001-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A local dog admitted today that he believes his habit of compulsively licking the carpet in the home where he lives has made him morbidly obese.

The dog, Hoover, a 3-year-old, neutered, Akita and Yellow Labrador Mix, said he started licking the carpet as a pup, and never stopped.

"I like to lick the carpet," he stated. "I never asked myself why."

Enid admitted she missed the free bubble tea he used to bring home from his job at Teriyaki Town in Lynnwood

Hoover’s wife Enid, a 3-year-old, spayed Scottish Fold, said she noticed him licking the carpet "more often and sometimes the bottom of the toilet" after he was laid off from his job at Teriyaki Town.

"I figured he was depressed, he used to love to take home free bubble tea," she said. "Sadly, I shut my eyes to the problem and now he has health issues."

Hoover said he knew he was in trouble when a Human passing by him mistook him for a wooden plank park bench and sat on him to eat lunch. “That was my lowest day,” he said.

Eric said he feels he is being used as a “scapegoat”

"I was a rice cooker operator until some young kid took the same job for less pay," he said. "Some kid named Eric, a Pygmy Goat I think it was, that‘s when my problems started."

Hoover admits after losing his job to a high school age Pygmy Goat he began to obsessively and compulsively lick the carpet more than before.

Indeed, Hoover's mother reported that he had "…always had problems with cross-dressing and carpet licking" as a pup.

Hoover said he favored Berber carpet over most other blended fibers

"I never thought licking the carpet was so bad," he said. "I really just believed since it was fat-free it was fine and I could eat all I wanted."

Before he knew it his compulsion had led him to tip the scales at 149 pounds. Some 99pounds more than his preferred weight.

Doctors warn that simply because an item is said not to contain fat, that does not mean one cannot get fat from eating too much of it.

"You could eat peanut butter for your meal every day, as I like to do," said wife Enid. "But if you go over your daily caloric intake limit it doesn't matter if you're eating broccoli, apparently you'll still get fat."

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Who Threw Apple Core In Toilet Nearly Drowns In Deluge

2010-06-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Nutritious Food To Be Successfully Phased Out Of Gerbil School Districts

2010-06-06T18:27:00.001-07:00

Seattle, WA

The Seattle Unified Gerbil School District is rolling out a new plan this coming school year that will allow all gerbils access to delicious, more junk food-based meals, regardless of their family income level.

The program, started in 1996, currently serves more than 100,000 gerbils per week.

Under the new plan, all gerbils will have access to junk foods via the National School Lunch Program, which subsidizes gerbil schools to help them provide free and reduced meals for students.

In a press conference, the Seattle Unified Gerbil School District announced a new plan to promote unhealthy junk food for all students, regardless of income level

The National Lunch Program must meet certain nutrition standards provided by the federal government to be approved for gerbils, who in the past have taken sharp issue with menus consisting of mostly healthy choices.

Until now, the SUGSD (Seattle Unified Gerbil School District ) schools offered competitive lunch programs consisting of Ding Dongs, Cheez-Its, and donuts, as an alternative to the healthier National School Lunch Program.

Director of Food Systems, Hambone, a 4-year-old Clawed Mongolian Gerbil, said the department is working with the district to eliminate all healthy food programs in all SUGSD schools.

“Let them eat Cheez-Its,” eclaimed Schroedinger, whose role in ousting the healthy food was hailed by many

School officials realized that many low-income gerbils were going hungry rather than accessing the cheaper healthier meals offered through the National Lunch Program and decided to wipe them out for good.

“No one is eating that healthy (food),” said Schroedinger, a 3-year-old Indian Hairy Footed Gerbil. “Why should we even include it?”

Board members and grateful students said Schroedinger’s role in eliminating healthy food was “pivotal.”

Depending on their income level, some gerbils can qualify for free lunches through the national program, but they often opted not to in part because they didn’t want the stigma associated with eating healthy food.

Cats have long supported feeding gerbils junk food, stating it makes them “taste better…”

“We hope this removes any issues that had been blurring the two lines,” said Schroedinger. “We feel it is a social status issue, gerbils want to be seen eating junk food.”

Local cats said they are all in favor of the decision, stating gerbils who eat junk food taste better and don’t leave a bitter aftertaste.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Huge Sale On Bandit Hats To Blame For Area Robberies, Police Say

2010-06-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

Seattle, WA

A clearance sale at Wal-Mart is being blamed for the recent rise in burglaries in the greater Seattle area, police said.

Bandit hats, the warm, black, tight-fitting caps with holes in front are super disguises for burglars and are on clearance for $3 each, making it even more affordable to become a burglar.

“Sure, you can burgle without a bandit hat,“ said Jake, a 7-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “But it's harder and you don’t look as cool.”

Once considered a Raccoon-dominated industry, more and more cats are making career moves into the area of burglary

Burglary, theft, donut fraud and forgery have all increased as the economy spirals downwards, according to police department figures.

“In my field, this is super,” said Coco Robicheaux, a 10-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “At Wal-Mart, not only can you get bandit hats, but they sell shotguns too, it is one-stop shopping.”

With the economy as bad as it is thousands of cats are considering a change in their careers, with many making lateral moves towards becoming a burglar.

This cat tried to burgle a home wearing a pumpkin costume, only to be unsuccessfully picked up and petted

Though there is often intense on-the-job pressure from competitors like Raccoons, experts say cats who stick with it can have a successful career in under a year or so.

Some burglars did say in the interests of trying to save money they have tried other, more colorful disguises, but the results were not helpful.

“I bought 20 of (the bandit hats),” said Coco. “I write them off as business expenses at the end of the year, I do okay”

For cat burglars, the cost of the bandit hats can be a super business tax write-off

Concerns over other crimes also intensified after robberies with plastic forks and knives soared by almost a fifth and assaults shot up 10%.

"It is particularly alarming that burglaries are at an all-time high,“ said one investigator. “Someone entered my home recently and stole ketchup packets,” he said.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Cat Photos: Thanks to Rochelle for sparking the idea

Dust Bunny Evicted From Home Claims Squatter’s Rights

2010-06-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

A local Dust Bunny is claiming he was targeted after being evicted from the home he occupied since May of 2009.

Eddie, a large, 1-year-old, Fiber and Fur Dust Bunny, was evicted from a split-level home in Lynnwood where he had lived with four cats.

Eddie had moved into the home while working on a contract job as a commercial floor sweeper, but was soon laid off and just started “lazing and drifting around the house.”

Squiggy said his roommate was “weird”

Roommates said Eddie’s behavior became erratic. Eddie allegedly grew despondent after losing his job. Depressed, they said he once hid under a black leather sofa for three weeks straight wearing the same pair of underpants.

“He was odd,” said Squiggy, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “He wouldn’t get up to eat, nothing. He'd just sit in corners just out of reach, moping. Sometimes he just kinda blew from room to room, always sleeping on the floor."

Squiggy described his behavior as odd and even hostile at times saying he would hide under beds and other pieces of furniture, sometimes jumping out and scaring him or others.

Interviewed at a friend’s home, Eddie claimed that his living in the house gave him de facto “squatter’s rights” and that he was targeted

“I didn‘t like him, he never bathed,” said roommate Molly, a 7-year-old, spayed Calico. “He never shaved, smelled bad, and he had hairy underarms.”

On another occasion, he was discovered under the bed of Moses, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, where he had hidden and was caught making scary noises and eating cheese.

“I tried to chase him wiht our broom and even the vacuum cleaner,” Moses said. “It just didn’t work. It only ran him off to hide under some other piece of furniture.”

Roommate Molly said Eddie had "...hairy underarms"

Sadly, Larry has been evicted for an initial period of three months during which time a possession order will be sought. “I was targeted,” Larry said. “This is because I am a Dust Bunny. This sort of thing would never happen if I were a cat.”

Police secured an eviction order on the Dust Bunny this week, following additional concerns from neighbors about Larry and his visitors.

"Folks need to understand if they make others’ lives a misery through odd or anti-social behavior we will use the full force of the law to deal with them,” an officer stated.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Dust Bunny Photos By Me

Jilted Cat Admits To Returning DVDs Late

2010-06-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

A once-prominent local cat has finally admitted his part in the late rental return of two DVD movies to the Lynnwood area Blockbuster video last June.

The cat, Maltball, a 9-year-old, neutered, American Tabby Mix, said he did it out of “personal enmity” for an employee and did not act alone.

Police said Maltball might have hired accomplice, Cheerio Wallace, a 4-year-old, Chocolate-Point Siamese, who acted as a lookout. Both have confessed to their part in the act and are in custody.

These DVDs were almost 3 days overdue at the time they were returned

The incident shocked friends and neighbors of the cats, who stated that Maltball had always been prompt, reliable, and could “always be counted on to return stuff on time.”

The late rental return of the movies “Predator” and “The Hunted” was carried out in broad daylight in the parking lot of the popular video store.

Investigators who re-created the crime scene state Cheerio drove into the parking lot. Maltball jumped out and scanned the parking lot for employees. He then reportedly ducked down under the windows and maliciously slid the late DVDs into the “Quick Drop” slot to avoid entering the store and being embarrassed.

Police said Maltball used the “Quick Drop” location on the left of the store, where view is obscured

The DVDs were over 3 days old and a pending total late fee of 19.98 would have been due. Lawyers for Maltball would only state it was “…an unconscious act, and a regrettable one.”

Maltball, a former University of Washington student pled guilty today to two counts of Late DVD Return, a Class B Felony in Snohomish County.

Maltball revealed the reason for late returns, saying his romantic advances toward a pretty, young, checkout clerk had been rejected and he was "...Too embarrassed to ever go back."

Of the crime Maltball said only “I am guilty…”

Prosecutors described in detail a heartbroken Maltball, who had had fallen in love with (the unnamed clerk), only to be rebuffed when she told him she was in love with someone she met playing World of Warcraft online.

Previously, authorities had been tight-lipped about what led to the late returns.

Maltball, who faces up to life in prison, did not say at the plea hearing why he returned the DVDs some 3 days late rather than on time.

"I am guilty," Maltball said, his hands shackled to a chain encircling his tail. He later admitted to having called the store to speak to the clerk some 52 times after first renting the DVDs.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Holiday Weekend Crash Leaves Two Dead In Edmonds

2010-05-31T16:52:00.001-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A Donut and his Latte friend were killed Sunday night in a car crash off Highway 99 in Edmonds, according to police.

Lawrence, a 2-day-old, Jelly-Filled, Powdered Sugar Donut from QFC (seen above in his yearbook photo) had just graduated high school and was well liked by everyone, according to reports.

Friends said Lawrence was driving to a party with his friend Henry, a 2-hour-old, Grande Mocha Nonfat White Chocolate Latte, when they hit a pole.

Sneakers said he will miss seeing his friend Lawrence each morning at breakfast

Police said alcohol was not a factor in the incident, although they did not rule out high amounts of sugar as a contributing factor.

“It was horrible,” said the witness who called police. “The airbag hit (the donut) right in the chest, there was jelly all over the place.”

Lawrence was transported to Harborview Medical Center, where fresh powdered sugar was applied to his body and he was given a raspberry jam transfusion. After two hours in the ER he was pronounced dead.

Seen here in his yearbook photo posing on the beach, friends said Henry loved flag football and travel

The Latte was pulled from the wreck and treated at the scene but succumbed to his injuries despite numerous attempts by medics to add cream and sugar.

Henry was not wearing a seat belt, according to police. Family members could not be reached yesterday.

Lawrence was the quarterback for the Edmonds Mustangs, a team in the semipro flag football league. He had just joined the team, according to reports.

Friend Gigantor is “stricken” with grief and has taken to drinking to numb himself from the pain of loss

“He was a real sweetie, everyone liked him,” said Sneakers, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair who has known Lawrence all his life. “He was just that kind of Donut.’’

One friend, a 2-year-old Siamese named Gigantor said Lawrence “always” hung out with his Latte friend Henry and despite obvious cultural differences, no one ever questioned it. “The two of them just seemed to belong together,” he said.

Others fondly remembered the boys talking of trips they planned to go on together in the future, possibly to the Grand Canyon or Death Valley.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Sneakers Photo: Thanks to Rochelle

Reports Show Most Humane Society Detainees “Low-Level” Terrorists At Best

2010-05-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

When President Obama took office in 2009, about 10% of the 240 incarcerated POW LOLcats in Lynnwood were said by the government to be "leaders, operatives and facilitators involved in plots against the government.”

Secret documents leaked now say the majority are actually “low-level fighters,” or terrorists who mostly were involved in operations to buy, steal, or hoard peanut butter.

Furthermore, about 5% of the detainees could not be categorized at all, except for the fact that (the POWs) stated they “liked to eat toilet paper and/or paper towels.”

This POW was held for a year after being caught toilet-papering a neighbor’s yard

The final report by the UN recommended 126 of the POWs be transferred back to their original homes or to a third country; that 36 be prosecuted in federal court for peanut butter crimes; and that 48 be held indefinitely under the laws of war.

A group of 30 Tortoise Shells was approved for release if security conditions in their home country improve.

According to the report, more than 60 career professionals including government intelligence analysts, deli workers, and hot nacho bar operators compiled files on each detainee.

Accused of being a Taliban member, this POW said his only preference was “toilet paper”

The files included capture information, interview reports and other searches done by CIA, FBI and National Security Agencies, as well as files on behavior, mental health, favorite toys, and snacks.

Apart from the 10% implicated in plots against grocery stores and mini-marts, a group of about 20% of POWs were said to have had “significant roles” in the toilet papering of people’s lawns.

Fewer than 10% were actual high-ranking terrorists who posed any threat at all other than to themselves and mice.

Mustafa, a locally known Siamese Mix, was imprisoned after attempting to buy peanut butter with an expired 2-for-1 coupon and claimed racial profiling later got him arrested

For one POW, Mustafa, a 10-year-old, neutered Siamese Mix, it means finally going home after he was imprisoned a year ago while attempting to buy peanut butter with an expired 2-for-1 coupon.

Most POWs had no comment, but were nevertheless happy that the report had finally come into light.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Trial Date Set For Cat Who Put Spaghetti Sauce In Refrigerator Without Date Label

2010-05-26T11:32:00.001-07:00

Sequim, Wa

A court date has been set in Clallam County for a cat accused of a crime that resulted in the untimely death of what neighbors called a “good amount of spaghetti sauce.”

Katie, a 4-year-old, neutered, Tuxedo cat, is charged with first degree reckless endangerment charges after she put an opened, half-full jar of Prego spaghetti sauce into the fridge without a date sticker on it following a dinner party held last July for a group of cats.

Sequim police said Katie was a guest at the home of the scene. According to reports she was cleaning up the kitchen sometime after midnight. When she got to the food and leftovers she carelessly placed the lid on the jar of sauce and callously put it on a shelf in the refrigerator.

The jars next to the sauce were clearly marked with a freshness date

Katie, who is a motorcycle mechanic by trade, later told police she had been up all night, at times drinking beer and playing lottery games with another cat. She said she stumbled across the jar of spaghetti sauce and simply “put it in the ‘fridge.”

Katie told police that another guest at the party, Vito, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, had tried to flirt with her and that it had made her confused. She said she was “not thinking clearly” when she put the sauce in the refrigerator without first jotting down today’s date and that she “made a terrible, but honest mistake.”

Katie told Police she then went home, showered, and went to sleep. She awoke the next morning to find police at her door with handcuffs, sent by the host of the previous night’s party.

Neighbor Tygana laments the death of the sauce

The homeowner, whose name has been withheld, said she woke up in the middle of the night and knew something was wrong.

“I’m not sure how I knew it, but I just knew,” the homeowner said in a statement to police. “I went to the ‘fridge and sure enough, I looked and saw there was no date label on the spaghetti sauce. Who knew how long it had been in there like that?”

She said she immediately took the jar out of the refrigerator and dialed 911. EMTs at the scene tried desperately to affix a proper date label on the jar, but had no success, saying it was too late. The jar of sauce, alone in the refrigerator for an unknown amount of time, was sadly thrown out.

The picturesque town of Sequim mourns the loss of the sauce

“It’s a tragedy that something like this could happen here,” said neighbor Tygana, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “We moved to Sequim because it seemed like such a small, nice town, now this happened.”

For months it looked like a plea bargain was in the works, but those talks fell through. Katie is pleading not guilty to first degree reckless endangerment. Now jury draw will be held the last week of October, with the trial starting November 1. If convicted, Katie could face 35 years in prison.

"That was a great tasting spaghetti sauce, and we hurt for everybody in its family," said a family insider. "The loss of this sauce is the saddest thing imaginable."

The Prego spaghetti sauce was 10-months-old. It was a limited ‘Heart Smart’ variety and originally came to Sequim with its twin brother from Costco. Before its untimely death it served and satisfied a dinner for seven cats and was looking forward to its next meal.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Katie Photos: Thanks to Debbie, see Katie's blog here
Tygana Photo: Ashley, see her blog here

Stuffed Toy Ambushed, Killed, In Local Home Say Military Officials

2010-05-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

Cats infiltrated a local home and assaulted a red and blue striped catnip-filled tube sock, one that had been lurking under a couch, on Saturday night, military officials said. This is the second attack on a major toy in a week.

The attack began with rocket fire and small arms movement around 8 p.m., said a 6-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell sniper named Ginnie. One of the rockets struck near an ottoman and destroyed a TV Guide, he said.

Cats on foot were assisted by snipers in trees. They attacked the northern perimeter of the couch in a flanking maneuver, though they killed no one and did not break anything, officials stated.

A kitten armed with an M1918 Browning automatic rifle entering the home was injured after tripping on a shoe.

The raid was successful despite the lack of air support, officials said

Cats said they had seen the tube sock before but had lost sight of it. Upon its return it was deemed suspicious and they called in the raid. “It had catnip in it,” said one attacker.

Names of some of the cats involved have been withheld pending investigation as per specific Department of Homeland Security protocol.

Military officials said the raid, conducted by the 1st Division, 5th Felines, was “unfortunately necessary and thoroughly well planned.”

Major General Snowball, of the 1st Division, 5th Felines said “their fire discipline was amazing.”

“It was very sporadic small-arms fire,” said Major General Snowball, an 18-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, adding that the attack seemed to be spread over roughly two hours.

The cats stated although they lacked the support of a mortar platoon, the raid was surprisingly successful. “Their fire discipline was amazing,” said the General. The sock toy was killed instantly.

“(Toys) are unpredictable,” said one cat. “They have sometimes been in their positions for weeks or months, dug into gaps under furniture or hiding out in pillbox structures and can be very difficult to overcome without air support.”

Only one cat was injured during the successful attack

Just last week, NATO announced the deaths of three catnip mice and one feather toy, who was working as a contractor, in two separate skirmishes in the Lynnwood-Edmonds area.

No further details were given pending investigation.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Tickle Me Elmo Fired For Sexual Harassment

2010-05-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A Costco executive accused of sexual harassment has officially been fired from his job effective yesterday, one week after a cat whom he allegedly harassed reported it.

Elmo, a 7-year-old, Cotton, Polyester, and Plastic Puppet, was accused by more than ten of his co-workers of sexual harassment and had at least one protective order filed against him stemming from the same events, according to one of his alleged victims.

Forthcoming charges against Elmo could also include tickling.

“He tickled me, yes…” said this Costco employee, who then filed a complaint

Cats from the Edmonds Police Department said they had received multiple reports of tickling at the local Costco and that it had been reviewed by a supervisor and assigned for investigation.

Elmo has since said the allegations against him are a “total fabrication of the truth” and has maintained that his employment record is spotless. Lawyers said Costco would not comment on the firing.

Elmo claims to have been targeted by his colleagues continually since his appointment to the executive board in 2006, after which other executives feared the beginnings of a puppet regime.

Rumors persist that Elmo was put into place to be controlled by Dachshunds, who yearn for control of Costco’s vast North American enterprises

Elmo has worked for Costco as an executive board member since 2003. Rumors swirl that Elmo was put in place so his 35% vote could be controlled by Dachshunds, who have been long rumored to be planning a coup to take control of North American Costco operations.

Elmo had previously been called in and given the opportunity to resign but did not. Reached today for comment, Elmo said the results exceeded the offense.

Officials told Elmo that he "was a divisive force in the store at a time when the store needed unity" and that he must resign by 11:30 a.m. or be fired and have his "long history of tickling ... made public."

As an executive board member, Elmo had a 35% vote

Elmo states he should be given a chance to defend the tickling, and his position that his firing was for “political reasons.”

Judges are scheduled to meet Wednesday afternoon to discuss written statements given by Elmo and the cats who filed the sexual harassment complaint against him.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Young Red Ant Struck, Killed On Local Sidewalk

2010-05-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

Lynnwood, WA

Reports of ant sightings in local neighborhoods today came to a sad ending just hours later when a popular young Red Ant was struck by a pedestrian and killed on a sunny sidewalk.

The ant that cats saw earlier that day was likely the same ant that was killed, police said.

The ant was hit after 12 p.m. while carrying a large cracker crumb and traveling southbound towards 196th Street on the sidewalk of 64th Avenue. No cats were injured.

This witness called police, but sadly it was too late

Wildlife officers think the ant most likely came from an ant colony located in a crack in the asphalt near Trader Joe‘s off Aurora just one block away.

The ant, a 9-week-old Red Ant named Sidney, was “probably just looking for food and got lost,” neighbors said.

“Ants are social insects,” said Jeanette, a 1-year-old Red Ant who lived with Sidney. “He was always popular here, he had many friends. The truth is we don’t really know what Sid was doing out alone.”

Friends said Sidney loved Grande Chai no-whip non-fat Mochas in the morning

The first report came early Wednesday morning from cats in the neighborhood. The ant was spotted dropping off a package at a UPS store and was said to have visited the Gourmet Latte espresso stand earlier in the day.

Police officers searched garbage cans around the area but didn't find Sid, who was reported missing that morning. “We were hoping he’d find his way back (to the colony),” police said.

Scarface, a 14-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, was driving to work about 8:30 a.m. when he spotted the ant sitting on the end of a popsicle stick. “At first I thought it was a great big dog,” he said. He called 911 after realizing it was an ant.

Sidney lived with 25,000 friends in an ant colony near this Trader Joe’s location

The ant ran into someone's back yard. Scarface was saddened to hear it was killed later that night. The ant likely came looking for food, which is common this time of year, police said.

About 25,000 ants live in the Trader Joe‘s parking lot, according to Fish and Wildlife. They typically avoid people and cats but can wander into residential areas.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Two-Year-Old Vampire Bat Victim Of Discrimination At His School

2010-05-19T19:40:00.001-07:00

Seattle, WA

Seattle is hailed as a multicultural city tolerant and accepting of the practices of all citizens who live within its borders. However, a local group of Vampire Bats say they are being unfairly targeted.

“My son Ellroy was cruelly ridiculed and embarrassed in front of his classmates for eating with a fork and a spoon,” said Maria, a 13-year-old Vampire Bat. “He was just trying to fit in. They also made fun of his big ears.”

Another mom said her son Billy, a 2-year-old Hairy-Legged Vampire Bat, was teased at school for attempting to suck the blood of a classmate. “It’s instinctual, he couldn’t help it,” she stated. “It’s just a phase, he’ll grow out of it.”

Lynndale Elementary has seen episodes of bat and even kitten bullying in the past

Discrimination is wrong and damaging to the self esteem and ego of the victim. Psychologists often say it is worse when it happens to the fragile ego of a young Vampire Bat.

“Trauma of this sort sometimes is so extreme it is often carried into adulthood,” said school principal Giggles, a 9-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “It can leave bats scarred for life, ashamed of their big ears, and render them unable to suck blood without fear or anxiety attacks.”

The young Vampire Bat teased for eating with utensils was traumatized. His parents said he woke up that night screaming he didn't want to go to school. He was only consoled by going to sleep in his mom’s cave with his favorite blankie.

This kitten has been suspended for bullying over nine times

Both mothers complained to the Edmonds School District about the bullying situations but were refused justice or even sympathy.

Vampire Bats, who feed regularly on the blood of living animals, say they have grown tired of being labeled “parasites among mammals” and have started to change their snacking habits, but slip ups in public are inevitable.

“One of the kids in our cave has an eating disorder now,” said one Vampire Bat mom who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He won’t even touch blood, and he thinks he’s fat. He just hangs upside down in his cave all the time, depressed and listening to emo rock.”

Depressed, this often-bullied Vampire Bat refuses to eat, and believes he is “fat and ugly”

No matter who you are or what or who you eat, if you are being abused, teased, spanked, or discriminated against you should tell somebody.

Therapy has helped Billy to overcome the embarrassment he suffered, though he still tries to eat people, radial tires, and puppies. Ellroy maintains he is proud to eat with a spoon and fork and he wants to become a lawyer when he grows up.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Spider Takes Credit For Successful Three Car Pile Up

2010-05-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Cat Who Farted In Tanning Bed Laughed Away In Shame

2010-05-13T15:28:00.001-07:00

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today is hanging her head in shame after accidentally farting in a local tanning salon which was full of cats waiting to tan.

The cat, Janet, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who works at Premera Blue Cross, told police she was feeling “very relaxed” and that (the fart) just “accidentally happened.”

“You just have got to know better than to do such things,” said Brandi, a 2-year-old Abyssinian who works at the salon. “Everyone knows it’s like an echo chamber in there.”

Each day many cats flock to the salon to get a start on their Summer tans

A witness at the scene said normally there is upbeat, thumping music playing to compensate for any (farts) that might occur during the normally 15-20 minute tanning sessions.

The Edmonds salon, Electric Beach Tanning, told the Gazette their stereo systems were down for repair that day.

“Janet was probably unaware that the music systems were down,” said tanning bed operator Brandi. “She usually brings her own iPod instead of using our own internal headphone units.

As with most tanning salons, the rooms are private, yet open

While Janet and other cats tanned, there were some six others queued up in the waiting room, reading US Weekly and sipping water.

“She had no idea it was completely silent in the waiting area,” Brandi stated. “Those beds are hard plastic, it was loud.”

All of the tanning units are in individual rooms, as per the usual design, but to keep rooms from overheating there is no roof, resulting in a completely open environment.

Brandi said “those beds are hard plastic, it was loud.”

“The fans were going, just like normal,” said another witness. “She was in tanning room one and it's in the front, so when she (farted), not only could we hear a wild ripping noise, but the fans started blowing it all around and we couldn’t stop laughing.”

Some said they were “startled and shocked” by the sudden noise. One cat described the ordeal stating “…it was like being shot at by a sniper from some unseen machine gun.“

Some two minutes later, Janet exited the tanning bed only to find everyone laughing at her. With her head low, she slinked out the door to her car.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Local Cat Busted For Hoarding Peanut Butter

2010-05-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

Edmonds, WA

His compulsion is peanut butter. Creamy, chunky, extra-chunky, and even organic, and it has catapulted him and his family into an emotional and financial tailspin.

Spumoni, a 14-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, first recognized he had a problem about three weeks ago, when Fred Meyer stores held a sale in which each variety of their Kroger brand peanut butter was priced at $1.29 or $2.29 each, depending on the size.

"I was literally shaking, trying to get dressed to get to the store," Spumoni recalled. "I went to three or four different stores that day, I had a friend on the phone going to one near him to buy for me, and I had my mom and neighbors online ordering too.”

Peanut butter confiscated from his home was labeled “damaged” and divvied up between excited officers

“I grabbed jar after jar of peanut butter I didn't need,“ Spumoni said. “I bought four of the Extra Crunchy kind in two different sizes." By the end of the day, Spumoni’s compulsion had cost over $800.

Although the American Medical Association and U.S.D.A. recommends cats keep at least 25-50 extra jars of peanut butter on hand at any given time, Spumoni said he was going “too far.”

At the height of his addiction, Spumoni estimates that he spent well over $1,200 a week and eight to 10 hours a day, every day, shopping for peanut butter on the Web.

He described nights awake in bed worried someone somewhere had posted an ad for peanut butter on sale and that he was missing out.

Witnesses saw him sweating profusely and nervously filling a grocery cart to its brim and notified the proper authorities who jailed him and searched his home.

Police armed only with small handguns conducted a thorough search of Spumoni’s home

“I would log on at three in the morning sometimes,” he confessed to police. Spumoni later admitted he would stay online until his mother woke up, then start all over again once she went to work.

"I'd get a rush, a physical high," he said. "It got so bad that just thinking about shopping for peanut butter, I'd start to shake."

Maxed-out credit cards, more than $135,000 in peanut butter-related debt, and finally an arrest convinced Spumoni that he needed to kick the habit.

Police found this peanut butter maker (the possession of which is a misdemeanor) hidden in his Edmonds-area home

Now on parole for this serious violation, he joined a group at the Peanut Butter-Addiction and Recovery Clinic and has vowed to cut down purchases to $150 or so a day.

He thinks the worst is over but added, "I don't know if I'll ever be normal." Meanwhile, his family struggles to untangle the financial mess his obsession has wrought.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette