Ashton Kutcher's Cat Blasted For Making Stupid, Whiny, Twitter Videos

Los Angeles, CA

No, you have not been Punk’d. Ashton Kutcher’s cat, Helter Skelter, the 5-year-old Calico female pictured above, woke to a terrible ruckus this morning when a neighbor’s home construction woke the family at the ungodly early hour of 7 am and then caused a ruckus of her own.

Skelter, as she is called, documented her annoyance over a neighbor’s early construction noise and insistent hammering online with a rude, nasty, video post on mini-blog site Twitter, with no idea that it would go viral over the net and turn into a major news story.


Helter Skelter’s owner, Ashton Kutcher and Ashton's mother, Demi

“It’s 7:30 a.m. and I get to wake up in my bedroom to my f---ing jacka-- neighbor doing this next to my porch,” the cat said on the video. “Right up there, that’s my bedroom. This is where my d---weed neighbor has decided to be building a house at 7 a.m., pounding on steel and welding right next to my frickin’ house.”

The crass video, shot by Skelter herself, shows the cat angrily prowling through Mr. Kutcher’s house and out onto a deck over looking the horrid neighbor’s home.

“I woke up this morning to pounding welding steel,” she said looking down at the construction from the deck. “I’m gonna lose it on this guy, I’m gonna lose it! It’s been going on for four months now. This guy has another thing coming.” Skelter grew more and more angry as she filmed, her owner’s stood idly by, not knowing how to deal with the situation.


Mr. Kutcher apologized on behalf of his "immature" cat

“We told Helter Skelter that she should just calm down and act her age. I mean really,” said Mr. Kutcher, clearly embarrassed over the behavior of his once-tame housecat, “She is acting out as if she were a silly child.”

Before Skelter ranted online in the video, the actor’s cat had already logged onto his master’s Twitter account, sending out a bevy of angry updates.

“Jack a-- 7 a.m. building a g--- d--- fort next to my house f’in up my view and noise polluting… this a-- clown has another thing coming… I’m gonna kill my neighbor!” Skelter wrote.


Ashton Kutcher’s home, the scene in Los Angeles, where a Twitter video rant went viral

Mr. Kutcher was also annoyed with the construction, but attempted to calm his cat with catnip and beef and giblet flavored Fancy Feast in the hope that Skelter will re-think the situation and issue a retraction.

Mr. Kutcher was happy to speak to the Gazette on behalf of Skelter, “You’d think by now she’d be used to it, it’s so immature We did construction on our house, it is their right to do so as well.” Mr. Kutcher finished his statement to the press and went back in his home to continue playing Guitar Hero.

Helter Skelter had no further comment.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Obama Renews Pledge "Yes, You Can Has Cheezburger" As Cheezburger Stimulus Package Passes House

Washington, DC

As the Kitty City Gazette previously reported, President Obama promised us he would bring change to Washington and he has, not just in the political arena, but in the new, relaxed, candor he communicates as well.

Lunch today after the passing in the House of the Cheezburger Stimulus package was celebrated with, what else? Cheezburgers. It has become a sort of subliminal message to cats everywhere. Cheezburgers show symbolically that Mr. Obama is looking out for every cat, renewing his promise that "Yes, you can has cheezburger."

Mr. Obama has only been president a little over eight days, but his promise to bring cheezburger reform to cats everywhere is being honored and indeed celebrated in the White House.

Through the many years, there are many traditions still held sacred within the White House. Mr. Obama has decidedly maintained the longstanding presidential tradition of weekly lunches with his vice president, Mr. Joe Biden. Today, lunch meant a cheezeburger, served medium-rare, in his small dining area off the Oval Office.


The President likes his cheezburgers done medium-well, and not necessarily on a plate

The two men discussed the success of the Cheezburger Stimulus package. In it, several things vital to cats are made clear. First, that cats receiving unemployment could receive benefits longer with a proposed extension, a tax cut is possible for qualifying families to jump start the economy and hopefully allow them more access to cheezburgers, and there is a proposal to reimburse cats for expenses accrued for worker retraining.


President Obama said the economy is "...sick."

"The economy is very sick," President Obama said between bites. "The situation is getting worse. We have to act and act now to break the momentum of this horrible cheezburger recession."

It was a very relaxed day full of politics and cheezburgers. A very different White House indeed. Of Mr. Obama, one of his lunch guests, retired Rear Adm. John D. Hutson stated “He looked around and said, ‘I’ve got to do something about these plates. I’m not really a plates kind of guy.’ ”

Despite the feel-good atmosphere, tough topics were discussed at long length. There are now more than 10.3 million cats and kittens out of work, leaving them to always have to humbly ask ‘I can has cheezburger?’ The fundamental solution proposed by Mr. Obama is to get the Stimulus package through the Senate and to ensure that every cat can and will has cheezburger(s).


Vice-President Joe Biden has long been a supporter of Cheezburger Reform

There are now, however, many angry statements and questions coming from the Senate, including the vocal Maverick John McCain, who earlier stated that he would not vote yes on a stimulus package that did not include provisions for Hot Dog reform.

The Cheezburger Stimulus package was presented by Democrats as a responsible government action, set upon at a time when government intervention is desperately needed, and every single Republican in the House voted against it.


Lois said he greedy bosses would fire her if it came down to the cost of a new Cadillac or her keeping her job

His views are echoed by many other cats in the minority. Lois, a 7-year-old, Calico secretary cat, who works in the area of the National Mall, is a staunch Republican. Lois said “There need to be more tax cuts for the wealthy. Business owners and stuff...” Lois said, “My boss wants a new Cadillac SUV and if he doesn’t get it, there’ll be hell to pay. He's not gonna start driving a Ford so he can still afford to pay me...it could cost me my job.”

Lois said that the men she work for care more for themselves and their own material things than for the well-being of the workers. “If you hurt them, greedy jerks or not, you inadvertently hurt me, too. They can only spend the money once.”


Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Bad Spellers Of The World Untie In Seattle

Seattle, WA

The annual bad spellers of the World meeting was held in Seattel this morning at the Washington Staet Convention Center. The meeting united over 300 bad spellers in what has become an annual tradition in the Seattle area each January.

Licorice, a male, Domestic Short Hare Tabby kitten from Forks, said he enjoyed the travelling to get to the meeting and was excited for the soshal networking opportunity the meeting gave him. “I am a really bad speller and I have my own blog…” Licorice said, “…so you can see how detrimental spelling is for me.”


Licorice said as a blogger, spelling is “…detrimental” for him

The meeting was called to order around 8:00 am with the banging of a gavil. All members present gave information for the roster including names, addresses, blog information, and phone numbers.

There was a discushion of officer position opportunities and the responsibilities for each position as well as an opportunity to work with local cats from the Rotary Club.


Bad spelling can happne where you least expect it

A dicsussion was held creating five different committees to study different areas of interest to bad spellers including the new “LOLcat” phenomenon. A new, separate action committee was created to study the affects of bad spelling on the community as a whole.

“Bad spelling is as prevalent today as the common cold. No one knows how many spelling challenged people there are in the U.S., but it's a safe bet the number runs into the millions.“ Said Dander, a gray and white, 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair female from Auburn who headed this year’s advisory board, “What's more, most of us have certain words we consistently mispell no matter how hard we trie to get them right. Words such as millennium, segue, and brouhaha to name a few.


Dander is the first to satnd up and admit that she, too, is a bad speller

Other items discussed were the very latest of their own published ‘top ten most misspelled words,’ including; embarrassment, discipline, misspelled, a lot, changeable, and maintenance.

Each word was disgussed using a mnemonic devise to help cats remember how to spell the word. It was said that if you master the orthography of the words on the ‘most misspelled’ list you would reduce the time you spend searching in dictionaries by up to 50%.


Bad spelling is not limited to cats

The cats held a short discussion asking for volunteerz to help feed humans on President’s Day and see if there was any type of extra funding available.

Lastly, the cats discussed the associashun dues that will be collected starting next year in order to help fund the ever-growing annual meeting.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

People Just Don't Screw Around On The Internet As Much On Tuesdays

Bothell, WA

A group of graduate student cats from the Department of Sociology at the University of Washington released statistics today showing that people just don't screw around on the internet on Tuesdays as much as they do on other days.

The cats spent the past two weeks on the project, compiling statistics from hundreds of local blogs and websites, comparing the numbers of sites visited each day of the week and on weekends. Also collected were data sets from seventeen large local business offices and the IP addresses of internet sites visited during normal business hours.


Cats spend as many as six hours on the internet at work on Mondays


Data compiled showed the biggest spike of internet surfing on Mondays, a total of almost six hours per day spent surfing the net, up from less than two hours on the day before.

Lennie, a 9-year-old tabby cat grad student from Auburn said that the data has much to tell us. “You can tell that Mondays are the worst for people, they are hungover, tired, or whatever…they spend as much as six hours at work, bored, on the internet searching for stuff.”

“Something strange happens on Tuesdays though.” Said professor John Adams, PhD., “It is almost as if the people are burned out or feel guilty for having wasted so much time the day before,“ he said, “so they decide that this day, this Tuesday of all days, I am going to do some work.” Indeed the graph shows a reduction in the amount of time spend surfing the web by a drastic four hours, spending only less than two hours surfing the web while at work.


Professor Adams said “…not much work is getting done…”

Research showed that after Tuesday, internet traffic does pick back up again as cats’ spirits are possibly lifted with the realization that it is ‘hump day‘, Wednesday, and that the weekend is nearing.

“The traffic picks back up after the lull of Tuesdays as cats get psyched about what to do the coming up weekend and start surfing and emailing other cats.” said Seamus, a 5-year-old, Russian Blue exchange student. “Then the weekend comes and people get out and do things and are pretty much off the net until they go back to work on Monday.”



“There is one thing for certain here,” said professor Adams, “not much work is getting done across the board in the greater Seattle area in homes and in businesses alike due to the popularity of the internet and the LOLcat phenomenon.”

More studies are planned for the future from the Department of Sociology with regard to the waning popularity of eating beef and cheese burritos on Tuesdays.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Obama’s First Meal On Air Force One Is Cheezburger, Renewing Hope For Cheezburger Reform

Washington, DC

Tonight is the world premiere of the National Geographic TV series ‘On Board Air Force One,’ which will show then-President Elect Barack Obama touring the plane. Important subliminal message to cats everywhere? His food order. The show jumps from his plane entry to Obama ordering his first meal on what will become one of his presidential planes.

"I'll see how you guys do a cheezburger," he tells chief flight attendant Reggie Dickson, ordering it cooked medium-well, with cheddar cheese, dijon mustard, lettuce and tomato. He asks, "If you have, like, salad or some vegetables or something." When the Dickson asks, "No fries or anything like that?" Obama replies, "Oh, I'll still take the fries." "Yes, sir," says Dickson, then laughs.


Obama said "Oh, I'll still take the fries."

This is a very important message to cats everywhere. President Obama’s message here is that he is an every cat. One of us. He too, can has cheezburger, and wants us all to has one too. Obama's pledge is to keep faith with the American taxpayer by placing strict conditions on cheezburger makers’ pay and providing more cheezburgers to families. He wants more transparency so that taxpayers can see where their money is spent, and sensible regulations that will protect cheezburger consumers, investors, and businesses.


Memphis said he feels the Cheezburger Stimulus package makes him hopeful

Congress is working on an $825 billion Cheezburger Stimulus package, if enacted it would be the largest ever by the U.S. Legislature. Obama is scheduled to meet with Republicans this week to go over details of the plan. He met with a bipartisan, bicameral group of lawmakers at the White House this past Friday.

Several cats who watched the video of President Obama on board ordering the cheezburger were brought to tears of joy. "This is amazing..." said Memphis, an orange tabby male from Palm Desert, California. "...I think that for the first time in a very long time I do believe cheezburger reform could happen, it makes me hopeful. Perhaps I can has cheezburger." Other cats were in agreement and said that hot dog reform should be included in the bill as well as was pointed out by Senator John McCain on Fox News Sunday.


Obama's cheezburger was cooked medium-well, with cheddar cheese, dijon mustard, lettuce and tomato

Arizona Senator John McCain told Fox News in an interview this morning that as far as he can tell, not one Republican hot dog proposal has been incorporated into the stimulus package.


McCain hopes to see a mandate for hot dog tax credits

"Maybe there has been. I just may have missed it, but clearly we need to have serious hot dog negotiations. We all recognize that the economy is in deep and serious trouble," McCain said, noting that as it stands now he would not support the package because it is “Cheezburger centered, pork filled, and doesn‘t include any hot dog funding. I want to see some hot dog tax credits. How can this be bipartisan if only pro-cheezburger views are supported.?”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Watching Movie About Plot To Kill Hitler Led Local Cat To Plot To Kill Tom Cruise

Tukwila, WA

It was just another day at the Southcenter Parkway Twelve until Snickers, a 6-year-old Flame-Point Siamese male, ran screeching out of the theatre naked, wearing only the cutout bottom of his soda cup as an impromptu eye patch.


The "...infernal eye patch" Snickers described

Snickers had been watching the newest Tom Cruise film “Valkyrie,” in which Tom Cruise plays a German WWII hero Colonel Claus Philipp Maria Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, who in 1944 tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

“I had to watch Tom Cruise grimacing, trying to look all menacing and fierce…and wearing that infernal eye patch…” stated Snickers to the Tukwila Police upon his arrest “it just made me twitchy all over, the movie is stupid! Tacky! I wanted a refund, worse, I wanted revenge.”

It was kitsch like the eye patch that drove Snickers to the brink of madness and sent him reeling from the theatre screaming threats against the well-known Scientologist actor.


Snickers' momcat said he was "...a good boy."

According to witnesses Snickers ran from the theatre shouting that the actor in question “must die!” and that it must happen now and said he would personally drive to California and hit him in the toes with a large, rubber mallet. “No one should have to waste their money on a film like that, no one, and that haircut he had!”

A local teencat added that others had also become incensed by the eye-patch. The teencat, who would not identify herself, said she saw more than one cheese-covered pretzel bite hurled at the screen in horror.

Tom Cruise said earlier in a brilliant observation about the film that, in fact, “not a lot of people know about the plot to kill Hitler.”

It has, of course been extremely well documented in history books, but like many other things, nothing is true until Tom Cruise says it is.


Tom Cruise knows everything.

For example, the history of the world, as we know, is fake. Tom Cruise set us all straight once before when he told us of the Revelations of Xenu and the wealth of knowledge that is Scientology. We even trusted pharmaceuticals until Mr. Cruise smartly told us that they, actually, do not work.

Mr. Cruise himself was actually cured by Scientology of his terrible dyslexia, which had prevented him from ever reading books in the first place.

Snickers has been sent to a holding cell in the King County Courthouse on charges of plotting an assassination, and two counts of malicious mischief and will be arraigned on Friday. "He used to be a very good boy" Snickers' momcat told the Gazette via telephone, "He just loved Days of Thunder."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Digital Television Transition Confounds Local Cat

Darrington, WA

On February 17, 2009, all full-power broadcast television stations in the US will stop all broadcasting on analog airwaves and begin broadcasting only in digital. This new only digital broadcasting allows stations to offer improved picture and sound quality and additional channels.

Coupons are being given out by the government at a rate of two per household, so that each home can easily transition to the new format. The Kitty City Gazette decided to try and explain the transition to and also ask a local cat what he thought of the exciting technological marvel.

“I just don’t understand” said Jiffy Pop, a 5-year-old male Tuxedo cat who lives with his momcat in the Withering Pines Mobile Home Park in Darrington, “is this going to make my VCR stop blinking? Why are they doing this?”

For Jiffy Pop and any other cats who do not already know, there are many other benefits to the transition. Converting to DTV also will free up parts of the scarce and valuable broadcast spectrum.

Those portions of the spectrum can then be used for other important services, such as police emergency alerts, fire department safety, emergency rescue uses, and also for advanced wireless services.


Watching television is an enjoyable activity for the whole family to enjoy

“If it messes up the microwave then momma is gonna be real upset.” Jiffy Pop said. “She is always blowing a circuit using that hair dryer of hers anyhow. Can I see the mice better in digital? Does it mean that I can't watch Blu-Ray disks now?.”

We explained to Jiffy Pop that the Commission's digital tuner rule specifies that as of March 1, 2007, all new televisions must include digital tuners. This rule prohibits the manufacture, import, or interstate shipment of any device containing an analog tuner, unless it also contains a digital tuner.

“So what you’re saying is that the illegal importing of analog tuners is gonna be real big right? Like coke was in the 80’s? I need a job you know, something on the down low. Hey, those are good, those hot pretzels, hmm? Are you gonna eat that?” Jiffy Pop inquired.

At that point we stopped the interview, it is just really pointless trying to explain something to a cat anyhow.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Obama Inauguration Renews Hope For Cheezburger Stimulus Package

Washington, DC

On his historic inaugural "whistle-stop" train ride, President-elect Barack Obama praised the US Senate's vote on Friday afternoon to plan the funding for the proposed cheezburger stimulus package.

"Restoring the economy requires that we maintain the flow of cheezburgers to families and businesses. So I'm gratified that a majority of the U.S. Senate, both Democrats and Republicans, voted today to give me the authority to implement the rest of the cheezburger initiative in a new and responsible way.“ Cheers were heard in the crowd and one cheezburger was thrown into the air.


An AP photo of the proposed cheezburger being promised to all cats

“Now my pledge is to change the way this plan is implemented and keep faith with the American tax payer by placing strict conditions on cheezburger makers’ pay and providing more cheezburgers to families, more transparency so that taxpayers can see where their money is spent, and more sensible regulations that will protect cheezburger consumers, investors, and businesses," Obama said in a statement.


“Remember those words I said to you and to Cheezburger cat, 'Yes, you can has cheezburger!'”

Obama also praised House Democrats' version of the economic cheezburger recovery package he has made his top priority.

The plan, released yesterday, totals $825 billion -- $50 billion more than his original cheezburger proposal -- and includes about $550 billion in chili dog spending and $275 billion in tax cuts over the next two years.

"I am pleased that the House of Representatives has acted with urgency on an American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan that will save or create over three million cheezburgers, provide tax relief to struggling families and businesses that create cheezburgers, and invest in priorities like health care, fast food, education, and energy that will make America strong and competitive in the 21st century.” Obama said in a statement. “Remember those words I said to you and every cat. 'Yes, you can has cheezburger!'”


The Kitty City Gazette first broke the news of the cheezburger stimulus package

Next stop on his whistle-stop trip is a small hamburger and cheezburger stand in Delaware, where he will hold a press conference.



Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Local Neighborhood Terrorized By Shoe-Throwers

Lynnwood, WA

Three local teencats were arrested in the wee hours of the morning after they were seen throwing shoes into a tree in a Lynnwood neighborhood. Vinnie "Two Tails" Antonelli, Raindrop, and Max, all Meadowdale High School Juniors, are in the custody of their parents tonight pending charges for littering on city and private property.

What does it mean, a pair of shoes on power lines? Is it a warning, a sign of impending doom, or the sign of a crack house nearby? According to internet research, sneakers thrown onto power lines seemed to imply that someone local had passed away, graduated high school, or that one had somehow symbolically moved on to a different chapter in their lives, metaphorically not needing their shoes any longer. But what was once the stuff of urban legends and tall tales on Wikipedia.com is now a real form of inspired and original teencat pop art.


Vinnie "Two Tails" Antonelli was in juvenile hall for six hours this morning with his friends Raindrop and Max

The shoe throwers had become hunted targets in recent weeks when shoes tied together, but mismatched, were reportedly found hung on power lines. All pairs were found hanging within one specific cluster of streets at 67th avenue and 181st street.


As the snow fell, the shoes grew heavier, eventually causing a power outage.

"It was during the big snow." Lynnwood Policeman Hale Leighton said to the Gazette, "We all thought it was the sledders, the kids, having a joke on us. One pair is a joke, 5 pairs is a little pre-planned." During the course of three nights, a total of 5 pairs of mismatched sneakers ranging from Converse All-Stars to Vans were found hanging from power lines.

"One line had two pairs, the others all had one each." said Jed, a 16-year-old, neutered, male who lives in the neighborhood. "Those darned kids, the snow got 'em all riled up. They wasted their parents' good money throwing those nice pairs of shoes too." Jed said that he never heard a peep overnight, but gradually the shoes accumulated as did the snow.


"Those darned kids..." said Jed

Finally, after a week of more snow and sleet, the shoes grew heavy from the weight and one power line did fall, causing a short power outage in the neighborhood. "I missed my programs, and Tom Cruise was on Oprah. I complained...someone called the city people and they took the shoes down." Jed said.

The city took into consideration that teencats were probably the instigators and took the shoes and kindly piled them on the side of the road so they could have them back before their parents' noticed, or so that someone might see them lying there and donate them to charity.



Despite the fact that they were mismatched in color, they matched in style, brand and size. "It was a kinda pretty arrangement..." said city worker Hairball "...it really hit me, actually. One pair was a set of size 7 Converse All-Stars, one was pink and the other orange, another set of Converse were size 7, one navy blue and the other yellow. Yet another set was suede Vans, size 7 also, one black, one red. Somehow it made sense to me."

The teencats were caught just two days after the power outage when Jed, the diligent neighbor ever on the watch, caught the teencats throwing the pairs of shoes this time into a neighbor's tree instead of the power lines. Vinnie "Two Tails" Antonelli said "I can understand not wanting them on the power lines, but we are artists here...we have created our very own 'shoe tree.'"


A photo of some of the shoes in the neighborhood tree

Much to the annoyance of one neighbor of the "shoe-tree" homeowner (who refused to be interviewed for or comment to the Gazette) the shoes remain, having now grown in number to a wonderous rainbow of 9 perfectly mismatched pairs in all. There are now two pairs of Crocs and two pairs of Asics Gels, all mismatched, along with the original 5 mismatched pairs.


The crocs look especially nice in contrast to the branches of the tree

"It is art." said Heathcliff, a domestic long haired-tabby mix who owns the home where the "shoe-tree" stands. "Pure and simple, it is art in a new and rare abstract expressionist form. People can't help but stare when they walk by or drive by. I admire it and will not be pressing charges against the cats. I am truly inspired by their creative impulse."


Heathcliff calls it "...art."

We at the Kitty City Gazette are hoping that printing this story does not start a rash of shoe-tree incidents in any neighborhoods. But if it does, please send photos.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Cats To Jennifer Aniston - Shut Up And Put Your Clothes On

Hollywood, CA

The cat fight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie in magazines never seems to end. Jennifer Aniston, 39, has said over and over that she is very happy with her life and her body, in fact, happier than she has ever been. Strangely though, she seems to need our constant approval by the looks of her recent ads and magazine covers.

After a much raved upon and recent nude scene by Angelina Jolie, 33, in the action film "Wanted," Jennifer Aniston upped her ante yet again by posing nude on the cover of GQ magazine for the second time.


Ms. Aniston's previous show and tell cover story, could someone please send her a robe?

Is she trying to say "hey, I am hotter than Angelina?" Fancats everywhere think the answer is a resounding and desperate yes, and they swarm the newsstands to snap up magazines left and right to read Ms. Aniston's latest excuses.

Housecat Squiggy admits she probably buys two or three magazines a week, as long as they have Ms. Jolie or Ms. Aniston on the cover.


Squiggy buys "every magazine that even mentions...them."

"I read them at the grooming salon or at home" Squiggy stated "Don't tell my husbandcat, but I buy every magazine that even mentions either of them! But...Jen needs to put her clothes back on...it is beginning to look a little desperate."


Fancats say that her photos seem to scream 'look at me, please!'


This screams of desperation for attention, it's embarrassing

Fans on the the street were asked about what they thought. Replies were quite consistent. "You don't see other actresses stripping like this and still being respected, she seems to lack self-esteem and screams 'look at me, please! She needs to shut her mouth about all of it and move on" said one teencat.


Someone help her, she thinks she is Pamela Anderson

Another momcat said "It seems like she will do anything if she is allowed to show off her body. No one with healthy self-esteem would do this." Even in ads for SmartWater, Ms. Aniston insisted she pose nude.


Aniston seems to plead to us 'I am so hot!'

"You can tell that Angelina is the heart of the issue here" stated Spaghetti, a 9-year-old, tortoise-shell female psychiatrist from Seattle, WA, who does not treat Ms. Aniston, "she actually will say nice things about Brad, but continues to berate Angelina over and over to the press. The odd thing about that is that it took two people to wreck her marriage, so why would she forgive her ex-husband, Brad Pitt, 44, who recently admitted that he 'fell in love' with Ms. Jolie while filming a movie with Ms. Jolie (and was still married to Ms. Aniston at the time)?

It is clearly a personal vendetta dead set in reaction to the positive attention that Ms. Jolie gets and Ms. Aniston feels she can fix by bragging to the world at every turn that she is beautiful. She makes strange stabs aimed at Ms. Jolie by stating in the GQ article about Mr. Pitt 'We don't not talk.' Cryptic to say the least. Why even say it? Get over it.


Spaghetti, in her office, said "...it is clearly personal."

The very public confrontation between the two women sells many tabloid magazines each week and is utterly amusing to housecats everywhere. Now that Ms. Aniston, 39, has snagged a much younger man in singer John Mayer, 30, she may be willing to go farther than ever.


Ms. Aniston clings hopefully to Mayer, in Miami last Summer

Some cats speculate that the reason for Ms. Aniston's recent GQ nude spread (she also poses with nearly nude male models) was in bold reaction to the soft, beautiful, and intimate November cover issue of W magazine which featured a breast-feeding new mother Ms. Jolie on the cover and very private photos of her inside that were all taken by her partner, Mr. Pitt. Indeed, Ms. Aniston has admitted to press that the following GQ cover was her idea.


The graceful November cover of W magazine showing a radiant, beautiful Ms. Jolie as new mother to her twins Knox Léon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt

"It could be that she feels that she has to somehow surpass Angelina in any way possible," Spaghetti continued "she feels jealous because of her (Jolie's) immense fertility and her ability to give Brad the children he always wanted. Since she has no children, the only way she can make herself feel good is to objectify herself in print, to try to say she is as a beautiful, available, fertile woman. She poses nude to attract males." Spaghetti said. Spaghetti is a practicing family therapist at a private firm in the downtown area.

"I can't wait to see what Jen does next." said Curley Sue, a long-haired tabby from Sequim who refused to give her age, "my guess is she will try desperately to adopt or conceive a child or more with this John Mayer playboy before she turns 40 in a desperate attempt to feel like a woman. Angelina Jolie is a goddess."


Curley Sue in her Sequim home

Curley Sue continues "Jen Aniston is obviously the one who can never stop thinking about her, not for a moment."

One thing is for sure, the back and forth between the two starlets will be an interesting one for years to come. Some cats speculate that no matter what Ms. Aniston ever chooses to do, it will always be in the shadow of the enigmatic Ms. Jolie.


Jennifer does indeed seem to love her own image

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay