“Birth Control Glasses” Effective In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancy, Say Local Cats

Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent two-year study conducted by Planned Parenthood, concluded last week, has proven the efficacy of a device called “Birth Control Glasses” in preventing unwanted pregnancies. In the study, 100 cats ranging in age from 2 to 9-years-old, were fitted with homely sets of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males. In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant.

The best part is it doesn't require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain.


Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

The homely glasses prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right. “I don’t want to have kittens until I am properly married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair from South Seattle, “But males don’t seem to know how to stop. The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

Cats agreed that the glasses are just plain unattractive, and thus off-putting to the opposite sex. “Man, I wouldn’t be caught dead talking to that chick!“ said Marmelade, a 6-year-old Domestic Long Hair Tabby male from Seattle, thus proving the efficacy of the glasses. Bonuses include less unwanted pregnancies and the fact that the females keep all their reproductive organs intact for family planning later in their lives.


Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

Even married cats agree that the glasses are a brilliant device, especially since it gives the cats a right to choose when they have kittens. "It would be super to have 9 or 10 little Clementines running around," said Clementine’s husband, Boo Boo, "I'm not like most cats, I just didn’t want her to have to have any painful surgery. They work, too.” Boo-Boo’s wife has had the glasses since the beginning of the Planned Parenthood trial, “When she puts those glasses on, especially with the plastic nose attached, I just…well, I’m not turned on at all.”


Jasper Cullen is pleased with the device he designed based on his own "bad luck" with females

The "Birth Control Glasses," described in the current issue of Cats On The Right magazine, have been hailed as a Godsend by many females. The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper Cullen, a 15-year-old orange, Domestic Short Hair from Whidbey Island. Mr. Cullen is a local Regional Director at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

"I noticed that when I started wearing thicker glasses, females started avoiding me." Mr. Cullen said, "They were put off by the glasses, some saying that they made me look like their grandfather." Sad for the love life of Mr. Cullen, but ultimately Mr. Cullen took his bad luck and used it for the greater good.


Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

"I started using the glasses when I started law school a year ago." said Disco, a 4-year-old, Domestic Long hair from Mukilteo, "No one's hit on me yet, and my grades are now top notch." Disco credits the glasses with putting a halt on her previously wild and promiscuous nightlife and allowing her to focus on her studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of “nerd glasses” for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.