Brain Scans May Reveal Early Acorn Addiction, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

Squirrels with a family history of acorn addiction have clumps of a specific protein in their brains that acts as a detector to those prone to become addicts themselves later in life, University of Washington researchers said Tuesday.

Current treatments cannot reverse the course of acorn addiction, a mind-robbing form of dementia that affects more than 26 million squirrels globally.

Findings could lead to new ways for potential employers to identify which squirrels would be most likely to develop an acorn addiction, which could prove useful to employers hoping to “weed out” potential problem employees.


Lump heads a human resources development team currently studying addiction behavior in squirrels

"The hope is to one day be able to diagnose an acorn addiction before any symptoms occur, so we don‘t get in trouble for firing them later on,“ said Lump, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair.

The team wants to continue to follow the squirrels used in the study to see whether they develop acorn addictions, and they want to replicate the findings in a much larger study.

“Anyone who has ever worked with a squirrel knows that if they have an (acorn) addiction they become preoccupied,” said Shoebox, a 9-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold who is a human resources director. “It’s very disruptive to the workplace if someone is constantly burying and digging up acorns all day.”


“It’s very disruptive to the workplace if someone is constantly burying and digging up acorns all day” employers say

Researchers say teams are working on ways to detect early-stage acorn, and even peanut addiction, in the hopes of developing drugs that can fight it before it causes excessive damage to impulse control.

“A squirrel who has an acorn addiction cannot hold down a job,” said one researcher. “They are not capable of following their own train of thought, are known to steal office supplies, and often call in sick.”

The team imaged the brains of 50 squirrels with an average age of 6, all with healthy functions. Of these, 49 squirrels had mothers who were addicted to acorns. 49had fathers with the disease, and 1 had parents with healthy brain function.


“A squirrel with an acorn problem is a danger to others” researchers say

Brain scans of all 50 showed that those whose parents were acorn addicts were more likely to have the specific plaques in their brains, indicating a near-certain future of acorn addiction for them.

The finding confirms other studies that suggest having oak trees in their yards may also be a risk factor.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Tickle Me Elmo Fired For Sexual Harassment

Edmonds, WA

A Costco executive accused of sexual harassment has officially been fired from his job effective yesterday, one week after a cat whom he allegedly harassed reported it.

Elmo, a 7-year-old, Cotton, Polyester, and Plastic Puppet, was accused by more than ten of his co-workers of sexual harassment and had at least one protective order filed against him stemming from the same events, according to one of his alleged victims.

Forthcoming charges against Elmo could also include tickling.


“He tickled me, yes…” said this Costco employee, who then filed a complaint

Cats from the Edmonds Police Department said they had received multiple reports of tickling at the local Costco and that it had been reviewed by a supervisor and assigned for investigation.

Elmo has since said the allegations against him are a “total fabrication of the truth” and has maintained that his employment record is spotless. Lawyers said Costco would not comment on the firing.

Elmo claims to have been targeted by his colleagues continually since his appointment to the executive board in 2006, after which other executives feared the beginnings of a puppet regime.


Rumors persist that Elmo was put into place to be controlled by Dachshunds, who yearn for control of Costco’s vast North American enterprises

Elmo has worked for Costco as an executive board member since 2003. Rumors swirl that Elmo was put in place so his 35% vote could be controlled by Dachshunds, who have been long rumored to be planning a coup to take control of North American Costco operations.

Elmo had previously been called in and given the opportunity to resign but did not. Reached today for comment, Elmo said the results exceeded the offense.

Officials told Elmo that he "was a divisive force in the store at a time when the store needed unity" and that he must resign by 11:30 a.m. or be fired and have his "long history of tickling ... made public."


As an executive board member, Elmo had a 35% vote

Elmo states he should be given a chance to defend the tickling, and his position that his firing was for “political reasons.”

Judges are scheduled to meet Wednesday afternoon to discuss written statements given by Elmo and the cats who filed the sexual harassment complaint against him.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Store Employees Were Threatened Over Lack Of Peanut Butter, Feds Say

Edmonds, WA

Threats against Edmonds QFC workers and the store they work in continue to pour in after they ran out of Skippy Reduced Fat Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter last week, according to the FBI.

Cats are up in arms and are threatening physical and legal action if depleted store shelves are not restocked sometime soon.

FBI watchdogs are investigating more than 75 instances of inappropriate comments made to stock boys, grocery clerks, and deli workers by cats, officials said this week.


What was once a fully stocked Skippy rack has now become depleted as more and more cats horde the popular low-fat variety

Workers have received a mix of inappropriate verbal comments including jokes, teasing, and even spankings, according to reports.

Local government and state officials said a lack of low-fat peanut butter, whether crunchy or creamy, could spark wars and worry about the social and environmental impact on communities.

The FBI said important non-renewable resources such as low-fat peanut butter have become so vital to the safety and security of the nation that small ponds and some larger lakes are being drained to become reservoirs in which to store it.


“Wars have been won and lost over peanut butter,” said Shimmy, an FBI spokesperson

"Fresh jars of low-fat peanut butter, especially Skippy extra crunchy, is in short supply in many countries, even today," said the Federal Government.

The FBI said they learned of the threats from the TSA, which tracks threats against grocery workers who commute by car or bicycle.

Neither that agency nor the FBI would confirm the number of threats or share details of the probe.


The Federal Government has plans to drain Lake Stevens and convert it to become a vast peanut butter reservoir

“The Bureau is actively and aggressively investigating all threats made against QFC employees, infrastructure, and property,’’ said Shimmy, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. His office has instructed workers to report threats immediately.

Attacks and threats against Safeway deli workers are nothing new. Last summer, eight QFC deli workers were tazered by cats angered over the discontinuation of their favorite cole slaw.

In the past, cats have rammed cars into the front of the deli as well as set them on fire. Some cats reportedly took out hits on bakery employees just last December after apple fritters were made unavailable after 5:00 p.m. PST.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
I love peanut butter

Brave NETFLIX Envelope Narrowly Escapes Death

Edmonds, WA

A NETFLIX envelope who was attacked by a U.S. Postal employee says he lived only because the postal worker dropped him after he punched it repeatedly in the mouth.

Chester, a 6-month-old, red and white DVD Mailing Envelope, is recovering in the hospital from top and corner injuries. He had an operation on his flap and is awaiting surgery on his seam. He told reporters he thought he was moments from death during the attack, but managed to crawl away to his car and drive home.

Chester, who works for NETFLIX, was taking a walk in the woods near his home with his boyfriend Donovan, when he says a postal worker in a blue shirt and short pants suddenly charged at him, snorting and grunting.


Boyfriend Donovan fled the scene and watched the event unfold while safely hidden under a car

Donovan, a 9-year-old, neutered, White Persian, said he "...peed himself a little," then ran away and hid under their car, terrified.

Chester said he managed to climb up a nearby tree, but the postal worker cornered him. “I turned around and just saw the big scary face looking at me,” he said.

The Envelope bravely recalled “kicking the postal worker's nose” which caused it to retreat, but said it only grew angrier and attacked again. Chester said it grabbed his upper right red corner and flung him into a dirt pile.


Postal workers are said to be very dangerous, can carry numerous diseases, and aren’t paid very much

“I gave it a really bad paper cut,” Chester said. “It drew a lot of blood, (the postal worker) really winced.” Chester said he then fell to the ground and was briefly knocked out.

After regaining consciousness, despite a torn corner, a broken seal, and an illegible to-and-from address, Chester managed to crawl back to his car and get inside. Donovan also climbed into the vehicle and drove them to Steven’s Hospital.

Chester’s sister, Harriett, a 9-month-old, blue and yellow Mailing Envelope who works for Blockbuster Video, was in awe of his brave survival.


Donovan, who is a total wuss, said “courage has never been one of my stronger qualities…”

“We're a very lucky family to have him still with us," she said. “When the doctor’s first started to tell me, well…I thought he was licked for sure, but he triumphed.”

"It was a pretty big postal worker,“ Chester said from the safety of his hospital bed. “I thought I was dead…I thought that was the end of my life and all I could do was try to fight, stay alive or whatever.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Donovan Photos: Thanks to Natalie Ernst
Feral Cat Photo by Paul Chang, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Support Grows For Limiting String in Local Schools

Edmonds, WA

A bill that would ban the sale of string and yarn in school vending machines and school stores is gaining momentum in the legislature, as Washington combats a troubling rise in childhood string addiction.

While cigarette smoking is at its lowest point in recent history, the non-medical use of string and yarn has increased during the last five years among 10th-graders, and remained unchanged among 8th- and 12th-graders.

Nearly 1 in 10 high school seniors reported non-medical use of string; 1 in 20 reported abuse of 100% cotton yarn.


Young Emmerich has been addicted to string since the first time he tried it recreationally at a party

When asked how string was obtained for non-medical use, 52 percent of 12th-graders said they were given the string or had bought it from a friend or relative.

Others said it was sold in some vending machines found around campus right next to packages of cigarettes. Some 30 percent of kittens reported receiving a prescription for it, and a negligible number of 12th-graders reported purchasing the string over the internet.

The House passed a similar bill in January, after nearly a decade of debate on similar bills that went nowhere. Now, Senate officials have thrown their support behind the effort in hopes to keep string out of the hands of school-age kittens.


String has been confiscated at Lynndale Elementary over 57 times in the last week, according to police

“Everyone knows that using string adversely impacts a kitten’s ability to learn,’’ an official said in an interview. “Everyone is very alarmed about the high level of string addiction and more and more are becoming addicted every day. It’s a crisis.”

“You can’t just play with string once,” said Emmerich, a 2-year-old, Domestic Short Hair. “Once you try it you are hooked.”

Legislators say over 90% of kittens who try string become addicted after the first try. Upon first use, the user experiences an intense sensation, called a "rush" or "flash," that lasts only a few minutes and is described as extremely pleasurable.


This cat, who was addicted to purple and yellow yarn for five years, said he will do anything to see the bill get passed

String abusers can develop a tolerance quickly, needing larger and larger amounts of string to play with.

In some cases, users forego food and sleep to play with string every few hours for days, 'binging' until they shred it up into teeny-tiny little bits or become too disorganized to continue.

President Obama is urging Congress, as it overhauls the bill, to set standards for all string and yarn sold outside lunch and breakfast programs in the hopes of controlling this growing issue.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Emmerich, thanks to Jared