Godzilla Admits He Was A Victim Of Bullying As A Young Reptile

Edmonds, WA

In an exclusive interview today Godzilla told the Kitty City Gazette he was bullied as a young reptile.

Long before he crushed cars, buildings and countless Japanese people to death, Godzilla, a 56-year-old Giant Daikaiju Monster, said he was “viciously teased” by classmates who mocked his shyness, short arms and the strange way he walked.

Godzilla, who has admitted to eating children in the past, said he threw his very first punch at the age of just 16 when a Pug dog took one of his beloved Barbie dolls and threw it in his face and that the bullying spread from there until he became a neighborhood target.


Pugs, so often the victims of acts of bullying and embarrassment themselves, are well-known for their acts of bullying others

Godzilla said one afternoon a bunch of school-age cats ridiculed him for looking like a cross between a giant gorilla and a fat whale. “I just lost it and started eating train cars,” he said, “and from that moment on violence became my answer to violence.”

Godzilla’s mother Linda, who is a telemarketer by trade, said the attacks and bullying gradually became so bad she feared for his safety every time he left their cave. "I worried about what it was doing to his head,“ she said, “he was so much bigger than the other kids, what if he got mad and lashed out?"

Linda stated she hopes now her son’s attempt to come to terms with his past will help young people and monsters today who may be victims themselves.


“I just lost it and started eating train cars,” Godzilla said

“(The bullying) made me so angry,“ said Godzilla. “And for years I took it out on others, often violently.”

Godzilla said the kids would trip him, pin him down and pour dog food in his mouth and kick him between the legs calling him names like “gimp” and “retard.”

Experts agree the experience of being bullied can end up causing lasting psychological damage to victims. This is self-evident in Godzilla’s case where his anger and frustration culminated in the mass destruction of cars, buildings, cities and a sports arena in his search for catharsis.


Experts agree bullying often leads to more bullying behavior

These days Godzilla lives with his mother and said he has no more problems with his self-esteem. He said he feels he is “finally mentally strong and centered” and boasted he is able to survive in deep water for indefinite periods of time and is adept at ping-pong and yoga.

He and his mother hope to travel the rest of the Pacific Northwest and discuss reasons why bullying only leads to further and sometimes much more violent bullying.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Creeping Ivy Acquitted Of Double Tree Murder

Edmonds, WA

A clump of ground-creeping ivy accused of murdering 2 trees was acquitted today in Snohomish County Court on grounds of insanity.

In early 2008 the ivy, a 15-year-old clump of English Ivy named Harry, was dug up and charged with strangling to death 79-year-old Harold and 89-year-old James, both Douglas Firs, at a park in Edmonds.

The court heard testimonies from over 20 stray cats, prosecution witnesses who live in and around the park and were present on the day of the murders.


“James was my favorite tree (to pee on),” said witness Gatsby

Prosecutors described for the jury the tendency of ivy to be aggressive and destructive to trees and walls, pointing out Harry had been “opportunistic and aggressive with malice aforethought” in his attack on his victims and asked for a verdict of guilty of murder in the second degree murder and a life sentence.

Botanists for the defense pointed out there is no direct evidence ivy is specifically dangerous when growing on trees of any kind, but admitted the situation can become dangerous if there is competition for resources.

Witness Gatsby, a 2-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair stated the trees and ivy had been fighting over territorial rights for years and that this incident “had been a long time coming.”


Witness Gareth, who is a Concolor Fir, once lived at the park where the murders occurred

Psychiatrists for the defense claimed the crime was an “accident” which occurred because Harry’s innate behavior created a parasitic need for soil nutrients and water.

With his ability to reason flawed, they argued, he was not of sound mind when the deaths occurred. Harry thus lacked the mental capacity at that moment to realize what he was doing was morally wrong.

Doctors recommended hospitalization and a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity. They argued the defendant should be contained in a small, secure area to prevent the compulsion to re-offend.


Judge Raven of Edmonds said he was relieved the case was fainally over

After a grueling 72-hour session the jury returned a unanimous verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity.

Harry was later removed from the Snohomish County Jail and sent to Wight’s Nursery for hospitalization, pruning, and psychiatric treatment.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Supplements May Help Snowmen Fight Deadly Bone Disease, Say Scientists

Washington, DC

According to a new report from the CDC, supplements of calcium and vitamin D can significantly reduce bone loss and the risk of fractures in older people, including snowmen.

The detailed report of a 3-year study confirms what doctors have been seeing each Spring for years, a dramatic increase in the number of snowmen and snowomen developing the debilitating bone disease osteoporsnowsis.

“Osteoporsnowsis is a gradual thinning of snow coat and density over time,” explained Hedwig, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair who chaired the project. “It is the most common type of bone/snow disease found in middle-latitude dwelling North American and Western European Snowmen.”


“Osteoporsnowsis is a gradual thinning of snow coat and density over time,” explained Hedwig

Primary type 1 osteoporsnowsis begins to occur when the snowman fails to form a new base snow pack, when a dog pees onto the lower snowball area, or both. Onset generally occurs in late Winter, usually ending in death.

Primary type 2 osteoporsnowsis occurs after a sudden unexpected thaw occurs and is seen in both snowmen and snowomen at a ratio of 2:1. This usually results in the immediate loss of hats, button noses, limbs, corn cob pipes and sometimes heads.

Scientists say supplements tested may be effective in maintaining the entire snowman over the long term. Researchers found results beneficial to bone density at the twig, mid-snowball, and mid-to-lower lumbar snowball areas in the first year with further improved bone density of the same areas during the second and third years of the study.


A stooped back is often a tell-tale sign of osteoporsnowsis

The initial effects of supplementation at the cervical and thoracic snowball areas during the first year held steady, but did not change appreciably, over the next two years.

“I wanted Gary to start taking (the supplements) right away,” said Beverly, a 2-month-old North American Snowoman who lives in Wisconsin. “But his mouth had fallen off and when they tried to give them through an IV he was so far gone they couldn’t find a good vein in his twig.”

Snowmen have long been the target of gallows humor regarding osteoporsnowsis from local cats. They are often teased and mocked for their disabilities and taken advantage of in financial situations. This study brings hope of possible intervention by doctors.


Local cats who took advantage of the fact Fred had no arms played this nasty joke at his expense

“I wanted to move,” said Fred, a North American Snowman from North Dakota. “I’d been fired from my job of standing outside a home just after Christmas but there just aren’t any good job openings for snowmen these days, even far north.”

Problems faced by control group snowmen during the treatment included those of whom lived at lower latitudes and were doomed to melt regardless and those snowmen originally constructed missing coal mouths through which to take the supplements.


Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
First photo copyright Chris Coulson, who is awesome!

Donut Who Suffered Heart Attack Blames Own Ingredients

Edmonds, WA

A 2-day-old raspberry-filled, powdered sugar coated donut named Ken stated in court Friday that his heart attack was the fault of the bakery who made him.

A lawyer representing the donut claimed the Safeway bakery where he lived knowingly used trans-fat-laden oils in such an amount to cause the young donut’s heart attack.

Ken told a jury of 11 cats and one Pug he was taken home two days ago in a box along with 12 other donuts and was sleeping peacefully in a pink bakery box when his symptoms began.


Ralphie said he had “fully intended” to eat Ken until he noticed he was ill

"The next morning I got up and felt this really painful burning sensation in my middle and within 20 minutes I was losing my filling,” said Ken.

The cat who bought the donuts, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Ralphie, stated he thought at first the donut was “feigning his symptoms” to avoid being eaten.

Once he saw the donut was suffering he immediately put him in a napkin and rushed him to Swedish Hospital in Edmonds.


Safeway refused to comment for this story

EKGs done at Swedish Medical Center showed a serious, near-fatal heart attack. ER records indicate the donut had lost most of his powdered sugar coating and was lucky to be alive.

Doctors advised the donut the heart attack was most likely caused by trans-fats found in his system. They said the percentage was more than one third of the RDA allowance.

Doctors performed a double-raspberry-bypass on the donut and he was sent home.


Doctors performed a double bypass on the donut in the ER

Safeway bakeries later countered in their opening statement that its extensive studies of the level of trans-fats in individual donuts showed no evidence it caused heart attacks with short-term use.

Safeway maintained that inactivity, such as laying around “doing nothing” in glass cases or in bakery boxes, not trans-fats, led to the heart attack.

Jurors are expected to return a verdict next week.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Cat Placed On National Organ Transplant Waiting List Receives Baby Grand

Edmonds, WA

A local cat is alive and in good spirits today after hoping for and receiving an organ transplant that changed her life forever.

Shortly after her birthday last month, Tyber, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair came down with what she thought was the flu. Tyber had never thought much about organ donation.

That changed instantly on the afternoon she became ill and passed out in her home. When she awoke in the hospital, doctors told her she had been put on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List, her organ had failed.


This Hammond organ died while Tyber was playing Bach

The organ, a Hammond T-200, was bought used from a social club in the early 1980s. Tyber said she’d always wanted to buy a new one, but had recently lost her job as a donut maker and could not afford one.

“I hardly ever played, but that morning I did give it a try,” Tyber said. “I felt like if I played some Bach or something, I would feel better. But the amp blew out, one pedal fell completely off, and then it just died on me. I fell off onto the floor in disbelief and woke up in the hospital."

She told the Gazette she had been taking piano and organ lessons since she was a kitten, paid for by her mother, and immediately felt the loss. “I was very depressed,” she said. “I wasn’t sure how to go on without it. Music has been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember.”


Tyber is now relaxed and relieved that she has received her organ transplant

Tyber said she signed up immediately for an organ transplant. “Piano, organ, it didn’t matter to me at that point, I'd have taken anything I could get,” she stated.

Nearly 150,000 cats are on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List waiting for a viable organ.

On an average day, about 77 cats receive organ, piano, and sometimes even synthesizer transplants from other cats who either quit taking lessons and want to be rid of the organ, are moving and cannot take the instrument, or are getting a divorce.

But thousands more never get that call from the transplant center saying a suitable donor organ or piano has been found, and the old model is just left to die, alone, in the living room.


After only 2 days on the recipient list, Tyber received this Baby Grand, which became available due to a nasty divorce

"I had been on the donor's list all of two days. The doctor gave me 12 hours to live. By the grace of God, they found me a baby grand! It isn‘t an organ, but it‘s close enough."

If you or someone you know has an organ, piano, synthesizer, or even a drum machine that they are not utilizing, please consider the many benefits of organ donation. You, too, could save someone’s life.

"It was a miracle, to be honest with you," Tyber happily said while playing her donated Yamaha GB1K Baby Grand Piano at her home in Edmonds. “Music is my life,” she said.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Piano Cat Photo: Thanks to Old Cats Rule
Piano Photos: Courtesy www.yamaha.co.uk